Tuesday, December 22

I Want A New Drug* (This was supposed to be a decorating the Christmas Tree post but it's not)

Yesterday at 4:45 am, I woke up in unbelievable pain. Pain that didn't seem like it could get worse yet it did. It was right under my ribs and at first it was like the worst runner's stitch ever but while I was describing it to the Telehealth nurse over the phone, it became stabbing. She said "get ye to an ER posthaste" except not in Ye Old English because that would have been weird.

So I walked back into our bedroom and said "dude, I'm going to get me some good drugs at the hospital." That woke him up fast. He bundled me out the door into a cab, with hugs and kisses and promises not to worry about the home front.

In the ride over I was trying to decide if it was a twisted ovarian cyst (been there, done that so many times but each time I'm reminded OMFG THIS IS PAINFUL) or a ruptured appendix (haven't been there or done that but I imagine it's painful). By the time we pulled into the ER, my skin colour was a mix of grey green and I was pretty much in tears. I staggered into triage like DRAMA was my middle name and I figured I must have done a great show because I didn't have to wait. I was immediately banded and told to stagger down the hall to follow the yellow line.

Yellow line in internal medicine, blue line is orthopeadics, green line is xray... can you tell I've been to this hospital many times? Thanks kid.

Anyhow, I walked down into that area and there was a young guy at the desk. I handed him my chart and he said "I'm putting you in a bed right away." Well that's not the first time a random guy has said that to me but this was the first time I was grateful to hear those words. Then he said "I'm ordering an IV right now and then we can figure out what's wrong with you". Oh my word, he was a doctor and I wanted to french him despite the searing pain that riddled my body and my devoted love of my husband.

Well I didn't french him but he made me delirious once he ordered that morphine drip.

After a brief exam, a zillion questions, and poking that resulted in me pretty much slapping him, we were both stumped. The pain was in a strange place -- maybe my gallbladder was about to blow. An ultrasound was pulled into the room and revealed nothing except my insides are way pretty.

So another ultrasound was ordered, this time with radiologists attached to it. You know, the folks who can tell me more than "you've got real purdy insides lady". But that wasn't going to happen for a while so I was allowed to wallow in my opium stupor and grab some zzzzzs.

Then I thought I need to give my family an update. I had no idea what time it was and as I fumbled for my phone with the one good arm I had left after being attacked by the bloodletters, I asked the staff member left in the room "Can I make a call?"

For the record, he was standing right by a HUGE sign that said "NO MOBILE DEVICES TO BE USED UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES" and it had a picture of my particular model of phone right next to the huge RED glaring words. All it needed was "This means YOU motherbumper" to drive the point home. But it didn't say that and the dude said "I won't tell".

So I called my husband and gave him the lowdown. After speaking for a few minutes -- I was kind of shocked at how crappy I sounded -- I decided to send an email to Catherine to let her know where the hell I was. Then I noticed that there was a whole bunch of "where the f*** are you emails in my inbox" and I felt overwhelmed. I couldn't answer these all.

Then I suddenly felt really alone plus overwhelmed.

So I tweeted.

"I'm in emerg on a morophin drip for mysterious pains. This must mean one thing: it must MONDAY. Mondays suck hard. Bah."

Grammatically incomplete but still, I got the point across. Anyone who knows me on Twitter knows I hate Mondays so it just seemed fitting.

And suddenly DMs and beautiful messages started pouring in. The feeling of alone and overwhelmed started to dissipate. My love of Twitter was once again renewed since it's been bashed beyond recognition for me by recent events.

Twitter CAN be filled with love and this renewed my faith.

I tweeted because I needed my friends and they were there.

For that I say thank you more loudly than you can imagine. Actually I will say it softly because I'm still in pain.

Oh yes, back to the pain.

Eventually I had the ultrasound where it was discovered that among other things, I had a kidney stone the size of a Buick that couldn't be treated except with drugs to facilitate it's exit and dull the pain. *sigh* They are giving it seven days to leave my hallowed halls which means knowing my luck, it will arrive just in time for Christmas.


So now I'm home, afraid to go far for fear I'll be birthing a fire-baby stone in the streets, and taking copious amounts of boring drugs.

I love how the last one says "May Cause Dizziness". In truth it should say: Take this and fall over like a drunk kitten ALL THE MO'FO TIME. Because that would have been more accurate.

Anyhow, this is my long-winded way of retelling what happened yesterday and believe it or not, this is barely a tenth of what happened. I'm saving the funny part for another post - one that I can write when the freaking DIZZY SPELLS END. I don't do dizzy well.

* I'm quoting Huey Lewis and the News which must mean the morphine hasn't worn off just yet.


Nicole said...

So you're getting stoned on good drugs they gave you for a kidney stone? :) Glad you're okay.

Her Bad Mother said...

I, for one, am slambangtastically grateful that you're okay.

You can, however, still expect me on your doorstep imminently. I'll be taking your pulse myself.

Anonymous said...

On the one hand, I'm very sorry you were nearly crippled by the kidney stone, and hope it passes easily and soon.

On the other, I'm relieved that it wasn't, like, an alien or something -- which was obviously my first assumption. So... good work on the no alien thing.

Chibi said...

I'm so glad you're (relatively) okay. You had me worried! #dammitmotherbumper ;)

P.S. Should I feel terribly, horribly guilty that your wicked humour made me giggle whilst reading about your ordeal?

mothergoosemouse said...

So very glad you're okay. xo

Playground Confidential said...

Oh my goodness, the Christmas stone. I just sprayed coffee everywhere.

Mac and Cheese said...

Yikes! Merry effin' Christmas! Hope it passes easily...

for a different kind of girl said...

I'm pretty sure one of the wise men came bearing kidney stones. I could be wrong, of course, because sometimes by the time another year of church rolls to an end, I've started staring at the roof. Blabbing aside, I'm glad you've got something to help with the pain, and hope you're feeling better soon.

Gabriella said...

Ouch ouch ouch...

Enjoy the drugs at least and hoping things come out smoothly and painlessly as possible!

AnnetteK said...

I'm glad you're okay!

Jezer said...

Holy mother of pearl! I'm glad you're Ok-ish and hope you get way better really fast. Kidney stones run in my family, but I've been lucky so far. Try not to fall down, kitten.

Melissa said...

Oh No! I'm so sorry! I hope that thing just gets it's business and moves on so you can enjoy the holiday!

Ali said...

effing christmas stone.
it's like that horrible sarah jessica parker movie. wasn't that what it was called?
you'd think I was the one on the drugs. heh.

Janet said...


I have had three kidney stones, one while I was 6 weeks pregnant. Embrace the drugs! Go towards the drugs! (Unless you're pregnant. Then you have to tough it out and cry a lot.)

Wishing you speedy passage.

mamatulip said...

Hey, at least you're not quoting Stuck With You. Because that would be weird.

Good luck when the Buick decides to disengage. xoxo

Kyla said...

You poor thing!!! Feel better.

Adventures In Babywearing said...

I am so glad you are ok! Hoping you are feeling much better now.

PS my word verification is: mishat



Chicky Chicky Baby said...

Dammit woman, quit yer whining.


I kid. I did not like reading your tweet, not one bit. You scared the bejeebus out of me. But unfortunately for you, in the immortal words of... someone: This too shall pass. And with that, you may punch me in the throat. xoxo

Heather said...

I had a stone just a few weeks after my last baby was born. The stone moving through my body was excruciating. The passing (two weeks later! Ugh!) was not nearly as hurty. What made my stone pass, I am convinced, was that I drank a beer. Within an hour of drinking the beer the stone passed.

That kind of pain is really scary! Glad you will be okay. Hope your stone passes without being too much of a jerk.

Stimey said...

Oh no! I'm so sorry to hear that. I hope you feel better, non dizzy, and non stoney soon. :(

Average Jane said...

There's nothing worse than a kidney stone! I hope you feel better soon.

petite gourmand said...

oh you poor thing!!
what a terrible way to spend the holidays.
hope you pass the stone soon.
boy that sounds gross.

The Black*Bird said...

I spit juice on my shirt twice! Fuck!
Thanx! :-)