Wednesday, May 6

The Great Divide(r)

Or the alternate title: How We Almost Broke Off Our Engagement.

Well not really.

I'm sure we both contemplated staple gunning each other at different points of this story and I'm sure the phrase "is this how it's going to be?" popped into each of our heads for an hour or two a split second, but our marriage wasn't in real jeopardy.

And I'm getting ahead of myself so let's start again.

When we were engaged I suffered from a bout of not-so-subliminal messaging via the Home Depot and came up with an ill-fated plan that was no more than just a quick idea jotted down on a napkin a la Spinal Tap. I seriously thought that we could build some kind of cool room divider so we could Feng Shui the place up (btw, I'd love to hear how you say that term - please go all phonetic in my comments).

The purpose of this divider was to serve as a diversion for chi so maybe we could benefit from it's positive energy. I thought it could also serve as a great place to hang our house keys. I had done some research and not only were we losing time locating our keys each morning, we were letting all our chi fly out the balcony door since it faces the front door. Basically when chi came in to our home, it immediately says "see ya" and booked it out the other door.

So why not change it's course and send it down to see the ugliest bathroom at the end of the hall? Seriously, I've never seen a bathroom porcelain that colour -- it's the colour of silly putty -- and the tiles can't look clean because I've discovered they look dirty when they are freakin' clean. Motherfreakin' Sisyphean housework is driving me mental y'all.

So yes, we needed to build that diversion: enter the plan to build the divider. I drew it on a scrap of paper, hit the upholstery stores and then we purchased all the parts and stain. We even got a brand new staple gun, the kind that would kill a man (not really but keep thinking it and sleep with one eye open.) Then we started to create our great divider.

It's fuzzy after that. There was a lot of swearing. Threats. Gnashed teeth. Misspent staples. Thoughts involving the drill and/or hammer. Pantomined knees to the groin. Double barrelled finger giving. You know, mature attitudes.

And now we've come full circle to "How We Almost Broke Our Engagement. Well not really."

We survived this like some kind of Amazing Race challenge and felt better for it. I'm just glad we did it before we got married; who needs freaking marriage classes when you've got home improvement projects?

Anyhow, it turns out the great divide not only served as a chi detour, it also stood for the most expensive and largest cat scratching post I've ever owned.

I'm pretty sure he started it:

With his usual accomplice:

These two slowly destroyed my precious divider, one thread at a time. No amount of water sprayers or guilt trips worked and a few weeks ago I decided I could take it no more.

Deep down I knew any chi that came in our front door was more than likely confused by that monstrosity and probably stopped only long enough to wonder why we would keep a teetering wobbly wooden frame, covered in tattered material, and a coating of animal hair right next to the front door. Just what kind of monsters and demons did we need to keep at bay?

So the divider that almost divided us no longer served it's purpose and as much as it reminded me daily of something that didn't kill us, it had to go. We tossed it rather unceremoniously into the place where furniture goes to die in this building and to counteract it's departure, I'm hoping that the bookcase against that same wall will create enough of an off ramp for chi.

And as much as I know I didn't really need that piece of dilapidated furniture to have positive energy, I still kinda wish I had taken a picture of it for the album. You know, for the grandkids.


Attention Toronto / Southern Ontario parents:

The super awesome party people, The Bunch Family, are hosting the annual momma appreciation event this Saturday afternoon in Toronto and this year it's all about Glam Rock. I'll be there kicking it with other Canada Moms Blog writers - and if you haven't been over to Canada Moms Blog, you are seriously missing out on some of the best Canadian writers out there. And I am totally serious. And how often does that happen?


Mandy said...

I used to have an antique frame I bought in Thailand with silk panels. Loved it.

My cats loved it.

It is no more.

RIP feng shui. RIP.


Fung Shway, no? I love the concept, but hate those words!!!!

daysgoby said...

It's gotta be 'feng shwaaaa', or my chi is gone. GONE I TELL YOU.

Wait. I never had any to begin with!

Love the cats, although the first one looks WAAY too sweet to ever think of hurting anything.

Sure it wasn't all the child??

kgirl said...

Fung Shoy (rhymes with joy).

And I'm sure that Home Depot (and it's evil sister, Ikea) have been the undoing of lesser couples ;)

Anonymous said...

For 90+% of the population, home improvement projects are toxic to relationships. Which is one reason I'm glad we have kids; when something needs to be improved, her job is now to keep the kids away while I half-ass it, rather than stand next to me while I half-ass it and initiate arguments about the same.

for a different kind of girl said...

When Tool Man and I painted the interior of our house, including ceilings as high and imposing as the Sistine Chapel, I went to Home Depot for the paint and immediately to a lawyer to have on retainer for the inevitable divorce the job was going to result in. Seriously, the FIRST HOUR in, I was trimming edges and denouncing his family!

A month later, I had a pretty painted house and discovered I was pregnant, and had gotten that way sometime during the time we painted the kitchen and the living room. There's some feng shui for ya.

for a different kind of girl said...

p.s - that black cat is going to haunt me in my dreams. He's like a feline Sylar.

Amo said...

Feng Shui...yeah, I had that once, but I think it gave me food poisoning.

Never trust the 'discount day' at the local Chinese buffet.

Her Bad Mother said...

I thought Chi was a tea?

mamatulip said...

Damn, I wish you had taken a picture of the Great Divide(r) too, in all of it's catty glory. And you could have blown it up and framed it, and gotten a little plaque for it that read "What Almost Did Us In".

No Mother Earth said...

Fung Schway.

That first picture of your cat makes me giggle. (Well, technically it's the caption that makes me giggle..)

Ali said...

i say it...fung shway

also. the second cat. that is the stuff of nightmares.

Mac and Cheese said...

You are ambitious. I would have had to go that project alone as the amazing race factor would have kicked in and ruined us.

Jana said...

Add another to the fung schway camp. I'm just laughing over the visuals of pantomimed knees to the groin and double barrelled finger giving, 'cause I can totally see that (and may or may not be guilty of the same).

Lady M said...

Funny, thoughtful, great post!

Kyla said...

Fung schway, baby.

Your cats are funny. Seriously.

Chicky Chicky Baby said...

I like to say Fung Shweeee! But that's just me being difficult.

Also, if that had happened to a project of mine I'd be thinking of interesting ways to use that staple gun on certain family members of the feline persuasion.

Here, kitty kitty kitty. This will only hurt for a second.

Heather said...

Fung Shway is what I say. That sounds like it was quite a day.

Rhyming comments. Fun.

kittenpie said...

I Hey, we made a very similar divider, but we are pretty good at projects, as long as we figure out who's the boss and who's the lovely assistant before we get started. Otherwise, it can get ugly - something we discovered in planning our wedding. Best lesson we ever had, it has totally prevented a million fights, so nwo we're good at even big reno crap. Which is good, since our house needs a lot of that!

mothergoosemouse said...

Perhaps I ought to get myself a couple cats and feng shui the heck out of this place. Seems that the cats alone just made me crazy.

Chag said...

I've always thought couples should decorate a house together before getting married. If they can survive that, they can stay together.

Heather said...

A friend tried to help me decorate to help my chi-she came into my house too one look around and said that Chi was totally overrated....LOL!