Sunday, May 3

Five Minutes in the Closet

MODERATELY NON SURPRISING DIRTY SECRET:

Do you remember that episode of Friends where Chandler discovers Monica's Closet? She had a closet full of all the crap or as she tries to justify it "things that defy categorization" and therefore do not fit among the organized things in her world. Yes her dirty little/big, secret. Literally.

Yes, well I have a Monica closet.

In fact I have five Monica closets. I opened one the other day, saw Jimmy Hoffa playing chess with Jim Morrison and decided it wasn't worth the pain or legal work or notoriety to clean it out. For all I know, I have a band of gypsys living in the one near the front door and Narnia at the back of the one in our bedroom. I figure cleaning out the mess will prevent any magic from forming in the confines of these walls so I'm actually doing us all a favour. The world needs more magic and dust bunnies.

Hey, did I mention we only have five closets in this apartment? You probably already guessed that.

MINUTE TANGENT:

How come no one told me about this Minute Rice shit?  Seriously, precooked rice in a box that can't be burnt by absent-minded and reluctant cooks? Humans are amazing with the inventions they produce. Who invented this stuff? I want to give her a hug.

Hey, if you are going to rain on my Minute Rice parade, please don't tell me it causes the shits or prolonged exposure will make me shoot ray beams from my eyes. Just, just -- please don't. I'm still recovering from the Olestra debacle of 98. Let me discover this one on my own, even if it's messy. The lesson will stick better that way.

Now this Minute Rice hussy will never replace my basmati but damn, that stuff is super fine. If I could, I'd buy it dinner at a non-fast food restaurant and take it to a full-price movie before establishing it as my main booty call. Because trust me, it will be a booty call but I promise I'll whisper sweet nothings into it's unusually white husks as long as it keeps me from having to actually cook.


GOOD BAD START, POOR FINISH:

So how was your weekend?

That's interesting.  Okay, now it's my turn: Do you know how I knew this last weekend was going to be awesometasic? I knew at 5pm on Friday when my daughter started to complain of a headache  and then she said her stomach hurt. Of course this was right after we had finalized an awesome line up of family fun activities for the weekend -- not that plans can't be cancelled but seriously, it was moments after we had just said "see you in the morning" to friends. By six she was burning up and begging to go to bed. My child -- begging to go to bed while the sun was still in the sky and without the benefit of bribes. Last time she wanted to sleep this badly, she had pneumonia.

Well this time there was no pneumonia but I'm sure there's still time. Still lots of freakin' time. I should shut up before the Universe hands me something else.

On that note: Seacrest out.

17 comments:

Average Jane said...

Have you had the Minute Rice that comes in microwaveable single servings? Peel off the lid, nuke for 60 seconds and lunch is served. Truly awesome.

No Mother Earth said...

Oh geez. Hope she's better now.

(And have you tried Rice A Roni? I used to live on that stuff in university.)

for a different kind of girl said...

I dig Minute Rice brown rice. You should try it. Once you go brown, you never go back. Heh...

(I was going to go with something that rhymed with 'brown,' and it was RIGHT THERE, but I'm keeping it G, yo!)

Backpacking Dad said...

You forgot the part where you woke up in the morning to a slew of awesome e-mails that ended even awesomer.

Mamalooper said...

We missed you guys! Hope all are better now.

[choked on my coffee at the Jimmy Hoffa reference...]

Jana said...

Minute Rice is the shiznit. White, brown, whatever.

I hope G feels much better already.

motherbumper said...

Backpacking Dad - holy crap, I had blocked out the fact that you and that merry team of marauders known as Mr. Lady and Redneck had jammed up my email full of dirty talk, using words I'd never heard before. Blocking out the trauma and exposure to such shenanigans is my only coping mechanism. Well that and copious amounts of whiskey. On that note, don't stop writing me now!

Michelle said...

You're a brave soul. I'm scared of my Monica closet...

Kyla said...

Our kids are conspiring again. BubTar was sick Thursday-Saturday and KayTar hopped on the bandwagon Saturday-well, we're waiting to see if she ralphs again today. Knock on wood!

Mayberry said...

I was totally raised on Minute Rice. My mother even had the Minute Rice cookbook (you don't want to know).

Karen MEG said...

Hope your daughter is feeling better today. Minute rice might help the stomach hurt.
Your closet situation is making me think of my own, as in I need to organize a garage sale. But, uh, that would be too organized...

kgirl said...

Well, I hope whatever plague was threatening your home has passed (fingers crossed).

Next, thank you for referencing Friends, because that way, I'm not the only dork that does it.

Also - ditch the minute rice, and let me introduce you to his handsomer, much healthier 10-minute sidekick, quinoa. You and your immune system will thank me for setting you up.

mamatulip said...

Did you just end this post with 'SEACREST OUT?'

Chicky Chicky Baby said...

Should we call Geraldo to have a look in your closets? I'm sure he'd love shot at redemption.

Lora said...

i have to look into this minute rice stuff!
i usually just stop at the chinese restaurant on the way home from work and buy a pint.
but if i use minute rice, i can lay claim to COOKING it!
genius

kittenpie said...

Minute rice was my saving grace in undergrad. A little dill and lemon juice, a touch of butter, and it was a good staple. And unruinable by even me. Good stuff.

kittenpie said...

Oh yeah, nad also? Right now I have literally not one closet in my whole house, so I'm a little jealous of your five closets. Our space/time warps have to live in the basements with the spiders.