Monday, March 23

This Horton does not help the Who

Insects. Arthropods. Ephemeral little fuckers. I have this completely over the top reaction to motherf**kin' bugs. It's not that when I think about them I get particularly squeamish or anything, I'm actually really brave in my head (exception: these guys and these guys, just googling these images made my hands fly off the keyboard when landing on that page.) But when I actually see a bug that is larger than say, a fleck of dust, I wig out. My Horton would not have helped that Who. When I set my eyes on something bug-like, I suffer a full body paralysis and I'm rendered helpless. How to rob me? Just throw a beetle in my direction and then grab my wallet - odds are, I will tell the police it was the beetle and cry to the point where everyone will be very uncomfortable in the room. I'm really good at doing that.

In fact, it's a rare occasion when I've been able to overcome this bug paralysis to snuff out the intruder - so rare that I can't actually think of a time it's happened - but I'm sure it has (well, I hope it has.) When I'm not rendered completely dysfunctional due to bug exposure, my only other reaction is to do what I term the "Scoobie-Doo run", where I actually run on the spot in mid air before disappearing over the horizon in an inexplicable cloud of dust.

While visiting friends in Korea they told me about this daily visitor they encountered and christened the "shit bug." He often entered through the screenless washroom window to land near whoever was occupying the throne and made a loud alien chittering noise. I lived in fear of meeting this bug and each time I went into their washroom, I made sure to be a quick as humanly possible. Let's just say I didn't skip my fibre while staying with them, for fear of extended visits to the throne room. Oh great, now I have Sade stuck in my head. Not that that song is about pooping (is it? She does say minimal waste, maximum joy). OK, I'm totally getting off track.

Anyhow, the shit bug got me but not in the washroom. I was sitting out in the living room when I saw what I thought was a sparrow fly in the window. It went once around the room and landed smack next to my head. With a thud. And I swear on a stack of bibles, it was the size of my hand and if you have ever seen the movie Starship Troopers (one of my all time favorites - hey, don't judge me), it looked EXACTLY like the BUGS.

Exactly. I swear.

And my friend said that I actually jumped up, and while suspended in air, ran like my name was Shaggy, and I had just seen The Stone Creature and The Ghost of Katazoma in episode two of season one of The Scooby-Doo Show called "The Fiesta Host Is an Aztec Ghost". What? You don't remember that episode. Well apparently I ran without the benefit of traction and that was the last time I sat in their living room without wearing a bug suit and carrying one of these:

What? You don't want to read about my bug phobia? You just want to know where I get off not posting for eons. Hell, I bet you don't even remember who I am it's been so long since I've posted. You are probably saying "who is this and how did she get in my reader?". Or not.

Yah, well... I will explain why.



Anyhow, nice to see you all, I'm just working in the motherbumper blogging muscles after an extended leave and I have a fear of over-extending myself. So I'll stop right


Anonymous said...

Between you & FADKOG, there's some serious Scooby synergy going on right now.

kgirl said...

LOL - last night I was folding laundry and a spider crawled out of a towel. My reaction was not very... mature.

And dude, watching Horton? Cute and all, but all I could think was, dust mites. Gross.

Emily said...

I actually shuddered when I opened those milipede links. Grrrrrross!

We were in Swaziland last year and a spider the size of a hand (we have a picture to prove it) used to hover over our bed. Scared the shit out of me. Even worse was that he was missing 3 legs so you know he was a tough SOB spider. Ugh. Bugs. Nice to see you posting again :)

Ali said...


hey, wanna make out?

Mac and Cheese said...

I was getting close to sending out a search party for you. As for the bugs, seeing as I wigged out when confronted with a praying mantis, I'm not going to click on your links.

motherbumper said...

TwoBusy - Scooby synergy does the body good
kgirl - now I will think of dust mites each time I watch that movie (we own it... hold me)
Emily - was it a bird eating spider? Those things freak me out.
Ali - always (ramming tongue in your mouth because I'm CLAZZY)
Mac&Cheese - don't click, it makes me squirm just thinking what's on those sites.

daysgoby said...

Starship Troopers was seriously under-rated. Do you cheer every time a bug gets it? Somehow, I'm thinking yes!

I are two junebugs when I was little.

(Squealing yet?)

Where have you been, chica?

Mr Lady said...

The joy of having grown boys is that you never have to deal with a bug, ever again.

I rent them out on a squash-by-squash basis.

Michelle said...

This is why I trained my dog to eat bugs. All I have to say is "Get it!" and the sucker is gone ;)

Anissa Mayhew said...

did you know that in florida the cockroaches fly? they call them palmetto bugs, but they're cockroaches that fly. little motherf**kers. the first time i found out was when i bent over a bathroom sink to spit out toothpaste and one FLEW out of the drain....INTO MY FACE.

I swear I spit in the toilet for about 2 years after that.

Amy said...

It's not the size of the bugs around here, but the quantity and location, ie. I found 5 carcasses TODAY (I think it's still too cold here at night) and they're IN MY HOUSE. We bought this house in the fall and I don't know what I'm going to do if this is a sign of things to come. I can't deal with bugs IN MY HOUSE.

for a different kind of girl said...

Dude! Like, total flipping fist bumps on the Scooby action today!

Of course, when I say fist bump, I pretty much mean get over here and let me smother you in a big old hug in the purest Velma sense of the girl-on-girl word.

Also, bugs big enough to hear? No. Hell no.

And also again, why the heck is your post just now showing up in my Reader?! I'd have been on you pronto, dang it!

Mary G said...

Good to see you back. Starship Trooper movie? Wow. I am seriously movie challenged; did not know there was one. I adore the book. I am off to the rental place (and that's a half hour drive so you know I am serious.)
It's the little bugs that get me, the ones that get through the screens and the bug nets and bite, leaving a bloody hole.

Karen Sugarpants said...

bah! bugs!

and hey! i was about to write to you and ask you where the heck you were!

mothergoosemouse said...

Tacy and I just had a conversation Saturday about how bugs should have their own world and leave us to ours. Well, the butterflies and ladybugs can stay. Maybe a dragonfly or two. But that's it. No shit bugs allowed whatsoever.

Jana said...

Haaaaate me some bugs. And hard as I try to hide that hatred (and fear) around Al, he squeals like a scared little schoolgirl any time he spots even a crumb that might maybe half-way resemble an insect. It's genetic, I'm pretty sure. Gah.

Heather said...

I can suck it up enough to squish the crawlie bugs. It's the insects that might actually FLY AT ME that I can't handle.

mamatulip said...

Julia and I visited a friend this weekend and after we'd put her to bed we were chillin' and illin' like villains when all of a sudden a HUGE, multi-legged centipede (millipede?) made its way across the ceiling.


Laura said...

you were in Korea????????????