Thursday, March 26

talking points on pulp products

It seems that this keyboard is trying to shut me up. Each time I reach for it to pound out a personal post, it fails me. Yah, I'm blaming the keyboard and my misplaced thesaurus.

But that said, it doesn't mean I haven't got anything to say. It's just the words aren't falling into place. I blame global warming.

Anyhow, this morning my daughter decided she was going to use some of the tissue boxes in the recycling bin to make cozy little beds for some of her toys. Which is all fine and dandy except she decided that the two reclaimed tissue containers weren't enough so she proceeded to open up and remove all the tissues in ALL the new boxes of snot rags from the jumbo palette of boxes I purchased at some mega-store earlier this cold season. Holy run on sentence and...

*head hits keyboard*

Of course if I hadn't been so selfish as to leave her playing quietly in the room while I went on bathroom break, this wouldn't have happened. My bodily functions are so freakin' selfish. I'm thinking of having myself corked.

Anyhow, speaking of purchasing mass quantities of paper products (my broken post, my broken segue) yesterday I was talking with mamatulip about finding used bandages in unexpected places and she asked me to share a story. While we were talking used bandages, I was reminded of a story involving mass quantities of pulp (you may, hopefully will, understand why I thought of this story later on). Years ago when I still lived in Halifax, the local drug store had a huge sale on toilet paper and nothing appeals more to my inner cheap bastard than toilet paper on sale. How I wish that last sentence fragment wasn't actually true.

So yes, there was massive sale on shit-tickets and I went to the store to load up. Because two things are for certain in my life: I need TP and I'm gonna die. Screw taxes. Though if I get corked, I guess I won't need to get so freakin' excited about TP on sale...

YES BUT NOT POINT OF STORY (I warned you this was messy - but not as messy as say, when one forgets to purchase TP):

So I tumbled out of the store trying to negotiate staying upright with bags and bags of discount TP and ran smack into Kelsey Grammer. Literally. I knocked the man to the ground with my huge bags of shit tickets. He must have some Canadian blood in him because he apologized to me and continued down the street. Or he assumed I was indeed a mad woman and figured that was the safest exit strategy. Which it was.

*fin*

EPILOGUE: the next evening I was in a diner eating some moussaka with this really strange but stunningly good looking woman who I always kept at arms length because she was really REALLY intense, when in mid bite I felt like someone was watching me. And there was.  It was Kelsey Grammer standing in the window staring at my meal. He was admiring my plate and probably didn't recognize me because I wasn't carrying 96 rolls of toilet paper at one time. Because for the record, that's how many I did buy. Also for the record, the moussaka was really kick-ass tasty.

But that's NOT the story mamatulip wanted me to share, she wanted the one about the used bandage found in pizza as I stated in my comment on her post but you see, because my brain is filled with tickle associations, I categorized that story under brushes with celebs and somehow that Kelsey Grammer story ranks number one and outranks my soiled bandage served by a famous person story. Not sure why, but it does.

So yes, my dirty used bandage story is quick: Aged fifteen motherbumper goes to her favourite cafe to buy a pot of tea - because a pot of tea lasts the longest and she could sit there and chain smoke with her friends without worrying about being asked to leave by the management. On this particular day, she noticed the cafe had their yummy homemade pizza and she obviously had an extra few dollars in the pocket because she decided to buy a slice. And who served it up? Sarah McLaughlan. Motherbumper ate the pizza and when she got to the last few bites noticed that the last slice of pepperoni wasn't pepperoni but a sauce and cheese covered bandage. End of story.

For the record: pizza was still yummy and it wasn't Sarah's bandage. It was also years before either of us were famous.

See? that could have been an exciting story (not really) but this keyboard is failing me.

ANYHOW I was also going to talk about some new projects that have me hyper excited but I'm just worried they will sound less exciting because I obviously made the wrong sacrfices to the blogging goddesses this month and have lost what little ability I had to communicate online:

FIRST ~ Sweet Blog: with the magic of the lady behind Sweetney / MamaPop fame and with the design prowess of Mommy Melee we will take your blog to an entire new level of coolness. Seriously, we will rock you.

SECOND ~ Canada Moms Blogs: still in beta but rocking likes it's alpha. Still adding new writers all the time and will be official and stuff anyday now but go over and peak because HELLO _ AWESOME CONTENT! Once again, we will, we will rock you.

Okay, I'd better sign off now before they come to cut out my tongue.

~ image: flickr KateMonkey ~

23 comments:

twobusy said...

Note to self: never, ever, EVER buy pizza in Halifax.

Mamalooper said...

Could barely read the post after the bad bad flashback from that "toilet paper cozy". My Aunt Rose on the prairies used to crochet pink poodle ones.

Not the height of decor...

Mac and Cheese said...

Could pizza actually be yummy with a used bandage in it?

The difference between you and me is that if this were my story, the post would be about one tenth the length, and not nearly as entertaining. You should put a webcam inside your head and charge people to watch it.

Katherine said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
mamatulip said...

DUDE.

96 rolls?

Also - shit tickets? Have never heard that before. I love it.

I have been dissed by two musical artists: Guru from Gangstarr and Art Alexakis from Everclear. I interviewed them both for an online music magazine that I wrote for in college and during my interview with Guru I got things off on the wrong foot - like, I really messed up, right off the bat. He clearly wasn't impressed with me, and spelled certain words out - difficult words, ones with three and four letters in them - for me.

I interviewed Everclear at a hotel in downtown T-dot and was wearing my favourite, favourite bell bottoms. One of the first things Art said to me after we were introduced was something really snippy about how I was too old to be wearing bell bottoms, and basically called me a loser. And I remember coming up with a really quick retort that kind of caught him off-guard, but I can't remember what I said now...have since smoked those brain cells away, you know.

When I was in grade six I think I bumped in to Weird Al in Vancouver, but I wasn't ordering pizza or buying 96 rolls of toilet paper. Your stories are much cooler (and grosser).

for a different kind of girl said...

For the love of all that is holy, let it be known now and forever that I now cease to call toilet paper by it's name, which is toilet paper, and will forever and ever, amen call it shit tickets. Everyone around me will now love you because you have unleashed the awesome!

Here's a thought - was Kelsey Grammar married to his present whie at the time you knocked him to his ass? Because she has Irritable Bowel Syndrome, and maybe the fact he was staring at your tasty dish outside the diner the next day was really him staring in veiled anger at you because when you knocked him over the day prior, he was on his way inside the store to buy his wife toilet paper...nay...shit tickets?

Just a thought.

Here's another thought - I'm really distressed that I know Kelsey Grammar's wife has IBS. Who knows this kind of random stuff?! Me, apparently. Welcome to my sad, sad life.

Karen Sugarpants said...

i don't care if your post was all over the place because i read every word...those stories are awesome - esp sarah omfg i love sarah more than any other artist ever, but she served you a bandaid? barf.
so so so happy CMB is taking off and proud to be a part of it. Best of luck with the blog designing too! xo

ourlittlefunnybunny said...

You crack me up!

Redneck Mommy said...

Shit tickets.

I'm so stealing that.

Marla said...

So, my high school nemesis went to the prom in a dress that I will forever call a toilet paper cozy...and the one you pictured here is picture perfect...the rest was gut wrenchingly funny but that is what I focused on...you got me at the picture. Shit tickets rule!

Heather said...

What a beautiful story. Brought tears to my eyes. ;)

Lotta said...

Also loving shit-tickets

Jeff said...

You need to get a hand held bathroom bidet sprayer and then you won't have to worry about getting "corked". With these you almost don't need toilet paper anymore and it's much more sanitary. Makes cleaning the toilet itself a breeze also. For those of us who really like to be clean it is the best invention since the toilet. It is so much better than a stand alone bidet and this is why: 1.It's less expensive (potentially allot less) 2.You can install in yourself = no plumber expense 3.It works better by providing more control of where the water spray goes and a greater volume of water flow. 4. It requires no electricity and there are few things that can go wrong with it. 5. It doesn't take up any more space, many bathrooms don't have room for a stand alone bidet. 6. You don’t have to get up and move from the toilet to the bidet which can be rather awkward at times to say the least. Available at http://www.bathroomsprayers.com

Mandy said...

So totally never heard "shit tickets" before. I feel like I've lived under a rock in the backwoods or something.

I loved your Kelsey Grammar story. SM? When she played at Queen's back when I was a student, she'd go to the pub after for drinks (Kingshead) and hang with the locals. Back before she was super famous.

SciFi Dad said...

Shit tickets? Really?

My closest encounter was with Bobby Clarke and Cliff Fletcher in a bar in Toronto one Saturday night after a Leaf game.

Kyla said...

Jewel's grandpa used to braid my mom's hair. That's my only celebrity story. Lame, right? Totally.

Parent Club said...

I'm going to wonder all-day-long what you did with all that kleenx your daughter appropriated.

jennie said...

there are so many good yet gross stories in here, I just don't know what to say. except that it makes me want to ship you a crate of toilet paper.

Assertagirl said...

I just threw up a little bit in my mouth thinking about that pizza band-aid. blarbhg

wherewiller said...

Thank you - I needed that laugh. And shit tickets? That is a good one. Going to steal it.

Domestic Extraordinaire said...

loving the 96 rolls of shit tickets. I knew I so pink puffy hearted you.

Love Canada Moms & I may just have to give you all a ring to sweeten up my blog-because gah...

musing said...

In the words of my teenage daughter, this post is made up of like ten flavors of win!

Stimey said...

The bandage? Ew. Although I did find a chunk of fur in a frozen burrito I was eating once. I may have mentioned this story before because it's totally traumatizing.

Also? I love the image of Kelsey Grammar all hungry enough to stare at a stranger's food from the sidewalk.

And not many people have a "knocked a celebrity over with toilet paper" story.

I think this might just be your best post ever. A+