Once again, Her Bad Mother wrote another post that made me shout out in recognition, nod in agreement and desire the power to use words the way she does. Yet this time even she had trouble finding the words to celebrate "the physical beauty of my child, and my fascination with and attraction to that beauty." She had the same inner debates I had: how to seperate the superficiality of describing this beauty from the "the pure, the heartwrenching and heartlifting beauty of her form" (See! See! (Read!) I even have to steal her words in order to express my love of kissing my baby from head to toe! Sigh.)
So I will try through a true story that I wrote a few moons ago and never published. I thought it read... kinda... ahhh... trite perhaps? But it is true and for that reason, I have copied from Draft and dare to push publish today. I've kept the original title and not changed much below. It won't measure up to some of the beautiful posts I've already read (see this one, and this one, sigh... to have such power over language is something I aspire to one day wield.) But for now I offer this:
When I was a younger woman, I used to sit at my desk, or in class, or at home and I had this never wavering vision of a baby that fit perfectly into my empty arms. Sometimes this vision kept me from nodding off during boring meetings, classes or just long days. I'd feel her chubby legs wrapped around me, her non-stop arm movements around my shoulders, her little face peering up into mine. I'd look down to see how she would fit on my lap and sigh, because she wasn't there.
When I turned thirty I figured I wasn't going to have kids. I was starting a new career, I had no steady relationship, I had moved to a new city and it was "me" time. I needed that time because I had been playing the martyr for too long (and no, the Alanis Morissette type of irony isn't lost on me because find me a mother who isn't a martyr).
I, for the first time, was happy with myself, by myself.
Then I met husband. Then I got pregnant. Then I had my baby that fit perfectly in my arms.
I can't believe my vision came true. I can see and feel those legs around me, those arms flailing at my side and that beautiful face looking up at me. Now that it's a reality, I want to capture in any way possible to keep these moments from fading since they have ached inside of me for so long. Thanks to new found friends I have found a way and for this, Bumper and I thank you all.