Friday, August 18

Before I had Bumper

Once again, Her Bad Mother wrote another post that made me shout out in recognition, nod in agreement and desire the power to use words the way she does. Yet this time even she had trouble finding the words to celebrate "the physical beauty of my child, and my fascination with and attraction to that beauty." She had the same inner debates I had: how to seperate the superficiality of describing this beauty from the "the pure, the heartwrenching and heartlifting beauty of her form" (See! See! (Read!) I even have to steal her words in order to express my love of kissing my baby from head to toe! Sigh.)

So I will try through a true story that I wrote a few moons ago and never published. I thought it read... kinda... ahhh... trite perhaps? But it is true and for that reason, I have copied from Draft and dare to push publish today. I've kept the original title and not changed much below. It won't measure up to some of the beautiful posts I've already read (see this one, and this one, sigh... to have such power over language is something I aspire to one day wield.) But for now I offer this:

When I was a younger woman, I used to sit at my desk, or in class, or at home and I had this never wavering vision of a baby that fit perfectly into my empty arms. Sometimes this vision kept me from nodding off during boring meetings, classes or just long days. I'd feel her chubby legs wrapped around me, her non-stop arm movements around my shoulders, her little face peering up into mine. I'd look down to see how she would fit on my lap and sigh, because she wasn't there.

When I turned thirty I figured I wasn't going to have kids. I was starting a new career, I had no steady relationship, I had moved to a new city and it was "me" time. I needed that time because I had been playing the martyr for too long (and no, the Alanis Morissette type of irony isn't lost on me because find me a mother who isn't a martyr).

I, for the first time, was happy with myself, by myself.

Then I met husband. Then I got pregnant. Then I had my baby that fit perfectly in my arms.

I can't believe my vision came true. I can see and feel those legs around me, those arms flailing at my side and that beautiful face looking up at me. Now that it's a reality, I want to capture in any way possible to keep these moments from fading since they have ached inside of me for so long. Thanks to new found friends I have found a way and for this, Bumper and I thank you all.

13 comments:

bubandpie said...

Dreams really do come true. A friend of mine who has been struggling with infertility for four years just told me last night that she's pregnant - 11 weeks and 2 days. Your words aren't trite at all - just oh so true.

metro mama said...

This was lovely. I'm the same--I'm amazed how lucky I am today.

Bri said...

That was sweet. It's funny how when something you wish for happens; especially when you thought that it might never.

something blue said...

You are wrong about one thing. You do have a way with words.

I think we are never sure if we are capturing the completeness of the things that we hold dearest to our hearts. But to even offer a glimpse of that love is utterly overwhelming.

lildb said...

that was beautiful. I must beg to differ about your belief re: your level of skill in the manipulation of language.

*wipes eyes*

Mother Bumper said...

thank you... *blush*

I can't tell you how many times I dreamed of holding her before she became a reality. She is just beginning to push me away sometimes now and I need to soak in as much of this as I can.

Beth said...

Very sweet post!

crazymumma said...

Words...sometimes they come together and make a happy shiver. And what a lovely thing she is....

kittenpie said...

It's the funny thing about having always worked with kids an helping raise my sister - I knew well that feeling and managed to grab snippets of it enough to keep me satisfied for a long time - but now that she's my own, it's never enough.

Laural Dawn said...

That was beautiful - not trite.
My son came before I was prepared - I never had time to dream like you did. So thank you for sharing that glimpse. I've spent a lot of time wishing I'd had more pre-baby time so it was enlightening to see the other side.
And now that I've had the time with him I yearn for the cuddles and the touches that are so few and far between from a toddler.

Her Bad Mother said...

I think that regardless of whether we actually envision them before their birth, once we have them we feel deeply that they have always lived in our souls.

That's what you captured here.

Mother said...

It's deeply touching when dreams do come true.

And hopeful for the rest of us.

So glad you found those friends. I'm envious - in a not so green but pretty pink sort of way.

KTP said...

Hey, look! You have enough power with your words to make me cry at work.