Monday, May 25

Lesson Learned: Never Tempt the Laptop Gods by declaring "it's fixed"

The laptop fates were tempted by my declaration of "IT'S FIXED!"

As I finished getting my precious little baby back on track this past Thursday night something else started to go terribly wrong.

I swear that I heard my laptop mutter "you had to speak so soon beeetch, didn't you?"

The battery started to haemorrhage and I'm no hardware expert but when the laptop is plugged into a power bar it shouldn't be running off the battery.  Especially a battery that is losing twenty minute chunks of charge like it was being eaten alive by a small tribe of electrical cannibals.

Upon noticing this, I did what anyone else would do: I swore like a sailor and screamed out loud "FINE I WILL HAVE NO NEW CLOTHES OR SHOES THIS SUMMER -- I'm going to BlogHer naked for the second f'ing year in a row.  And you are SOOOOOOO right little electronic device, I DID think savings accounts were already highly overrated because who needs money during a recession? NOT ME!"

I know, I know: there are worse things that could have happened but let me dance in my own pity parade because if I don't do it, who will?

Seriously, this little baby laptop provides my income and if she disappeared I'd have to become a phone-sex operator of epically uptight and boring proportions

"dude, I'm not saying that." 
"My gawd man, do you talk to your mother like that?  What did she do to you to make you that whacked in the head?"
"You want me to do what with what? Oh you are one sick mo'fo'. Did you ever read Oedipus because I'm getting some f'd up vibes from you dude."

I obviously have a few issues of my own but let's not go there. My laptop is now fixed (ducks for lightening) and the phone-sex industry is spared one preachy, prissy, uptight worker. Perverts everywhere collectively release a sigh of relief -- which is more than they'd get from me.

12 comments:

Fidget said...

I almost took a job as a phone psychic back in the Ms Cleo days. My puter had died and I was teh desperate

Sarcastica said...

Heh, I can totally hear those phone-sex convos in my head... I think you should do it for kicks lol

Michelle said...

LOL!
The phone sex stuff is awesome. I'm glad your laptop is finally better (fingers crossed).

Ali said...

wait...what? how did i miss you naked at blogher last year?

kgirl said...

When our laptop died, a little bit of me died with it. Yes, our new imac is shiny and strong, but I miss my portable little friend. If I ever have money, I'm getting myself a new one.

Mac and Cheese said...

Don't be so hard on your phone sex skills. There's a market for everything.

Chag said...

Isn't everyone naked at BlogHer? Isn't that part of the draw?

mamatulip said...

If you're going to BlogHer naked, I'm skipping the wedding. ;)

TwoBusy said...

It probably says something about me that I was significantly more jazzed about the tiny electrical cannibals than the suggestion of naked BlogHer.

Kyla said...

Glad it is fixed again!! Though, I'm sure some would like your disapproving sex talk. People are WEIRD.

No Mother Earth said...

No way, man, you'd be much better at a phone-sex job than that!!

Wait a minute...was that a compliment, or not?

The Scholastic Decoder said...

with your filthy mouth, I would figure you'd have the phone sex thing nailed... huh. Then again, some people would pay extra to be told how perverted and vile they are, so you might be able to make a living at it yet... Just label it a fetish, and SOMEONE will bite. Maybe for real.