Monday, February 23

An Open Letter to Jen

Hi Jen,

I know you don't know me, and in fact I'm not even what one would term a "fan".  It's not that I don't like you, it's just I suspect that you are kind of needy.  But that is neither here nor there Jen, I'm writing this letter to you woman to woman.

Okay, I've got to be honest about two things: I'm way behind in my Jennifer Aniston gossip reading, and I really don't know anything about this guy John Mayer.  As far as I know, I've never listened to his music (am I missing anything? I ask that in all seriousness). Truthfully, the only things I know about John is he might be dating, marrying, breaking-up with or impregnating you at this very moment and also that many women think he's cute.  Congrats.

Now despite my obvious info-gap in all important current affairs in your life, and in order to retain my street cred, I really must explain that I do know all the other "involved parties" associated with you.  I haven't been living in a cave Jen, just a musical dark age that started around 2002.  So just to make sure this is clear: I'm very familiar with the couple that is often associated with you - the one formerly know as Brangelina (but I know I shouldn't call them that because they hate it). Brangelina, Brangelina, Brangelina (see? solidarity sistah).

Anyhow, I heard John was going to attend the Oscars with you this past weekend, which leads me to believe he’s 100% on Team Aniston [insert dirty joke here].

But is he Jen?  *raising my eye brows*  Jen, I think John needs to do some damage control on some of the comments he's made in the past before you guys can move forward into the future or you should dump his a*s.

There, I said it.

Here's just one example Jen: John did an interview with Rolling Stone a couple of years back and cracked the joke:

"Everyone thinks Brad Pitt has it great because he married Angelina Jolie. I think he has it terrible, because when Angelina Jolie is giving you a blow job, what do you tip your head back and think of to help you finish? You have nothing left — just Jesus on a polar bear in the middle of the snow, saying, 'You greedy motherfucker, I've got nothing for you.'"

So basically he is saying that your ex-husband is hooked up with the hottest woman on the planet and that the baby Jesus could make nothing more perfect for man to imagine when getting some.  Which, um yes, he was in his full right to say, and he did say this back before you were dating but hello?  If my current boyfriend had once said that about the woman who immediately, if not prior-to, hooked-up with my ex after our divorce – and she pretty much instantly gave him a mind-boggling traveling caravan of a family - something my ex was reportedly wanting but I was resistant to for obvious good reasons – and it’s pretty freakin’ obvious that I probably didn’t want to end the relationship as quickly as he had, well than I think at least one of my eyes would bulge out of my head if he didn’t somehow try to make up for that. In public.  Very public.  Like sky writers, Times Square billboard, and maybe an announcement from the throne or Obama.

Because seriously Jen, should I lie and say that if I was you, I'd think that was fine and totally cool because we are that cool and confident a couple even though we seem to break up every six weeks?  Sure, I'd like to think I was more confident than that, that my current relationship was cool enough to have that kind of witty off-hand banter fly around in a very public way.  Emphasis on the public way part.

But if my current boyfriend said something like that, about people we actually knew in real-life (as opposed to "who would you do if you could do any celebrity" kind of free ticket - that's the important difference), I have to admit that I'm pretty sure my confidence would be wounded.  And I'd make him take it back lest I feel stabby.  You know, the kind of stabby that hails from the kick-your-cute-ass-to-the-curb variety. I've never claimed to be over-confident in the game of love.

Look Jen, like I said earlier I've never really been on Team Aniston or for that matter Team Jolie, though to be honest, I'd probably join Team Jolie because she seems to be less, um... whiny boring I like her wardrobe better.  But that is neither here nor there.  Jen I'm going to be blunt: dump the boyfriend because (omg, I can't believe I'm saying this) he's just not that into you (I swear on a stack of People magazines that didn't come to me until I started typing that sentence). Dump him, eat a pint of Ben&Jerry's, make another romantic girl comedy - no scratch that, while I'm being honest, you are getting a bit mature for those roles - go find another The Good Girl or Office Space, and please for the love of shoes, don't date anyone.  Because as soon as you stop looking, he will find you.  Or at least that's what I've learned from reading all those Harlequin Romances I find at the laundromat.  Look girl, you don’t want to become the Rodney Dangerfield of the first decade of the new millennia, Paris was doing just fine at wearing that crown.

I know it's none of my business Jen, but I just had to put it out there.


PS - since I'm on a roll when it comes to talking to celebs, I interviewed supermodel and self-esteem advocate Emme over Savvy Source Toronto (for realz).

Edit to add: I forgot to also shamelessly promote the giveaway for Canadian readers going on over at my review site, drugstore cowgirl check it out for details on how to win a bunch of Johnson's Baby products.


Redneck Mommy said...

I'm firmly planted on Team Jolie.

Any woman who can trot around the globe with that many children, be philanthropic and still look like she can mattress dance with the best of them is a woman after my own heart.

Plus, Aniston annoys me with her vapid boringness.

Anonymous said...

Ok, please disregard MY most recent post, it does not apply to you in any way.
This is hilarious, and also: true. (Although how is she ever going to find a guy on this planet who has not said the same thing John said about Angelina?)

Caffeinatrix said...

I'm not sure how many break-ups ago it was but do you recall when John Mayer started blabbing on the street to the paparazzi about why he broke up with her? So tacky. And really, he's not even that cute, IMHO.

Anonymous said...

That was really funny. My attitude towards her has been changing over the last few years. I can't imagine what is going on in that head of hers anymore. It's like her divorce really messed her up. She let a few good men like Vince and that gorgeous model Paul go and instead hooks up with John Mayer who reeks of cosmic levels of douchery. A known hollywood player and a cheesy pop musician. Also. Why would you take back someone who publicly dumped you and gave a full press conference to TMZ of all places. Why?

I'm over feeling sorry for her. She's a lost cause now.

Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah said...

On missing anything with John Mayer's music the answer is no unless you are int o teh boring.

motherbumper said...

RNM - word, how Angelina does it and still looks hot, astounding.

pandorican - Heh, well I'm sure she can find one that hasn't said it loud and proud in public. I hope.

Caffinatrix and Anon 12:25 - I had no idea about the TMZ (I glaze over Jen news but I just couldn't pass on the RS quote - as old as it is).

Sarah - I'm beginning to think they are made for each other - boring loves boring, no?

Mac and Cheese said...

Jen should only know what a great friend you are to her.

TwoBusy said...

I'm with stabby. Those kind of words require not only apologies; they demand vengeance.

Anonymous said...

Seriously girl - you can do so much better than John.

It must suck to be compared to Joli constantly. I feel compared to her just by viture of being a mother and I am losing (but a way larger margin than Jen).

Ali said...

i will tell you this.
john mayer's music BLOWS. and i so want to hate him. but he's hilarious. i watched some video of him ages ago and it was pee-your-pants funny.

Emily said...

I honestly don't have an opinion because the moment I think about Jen I end up in a deep boredom enduced slumber. If she has a personality she has taken huge steps to obscure it from the media.

April said...

hmmm... i'm on the side that says pitt is a little bit douchebagish. but whatevs. i like john mayers music. but know little to nothing about the aniston/mayer deal. i do, though, think that's one of the funniest quotes...oh...maybe...ever?

that being said, i totally agree with you... it would bug me if i were jen.

mothergoosemouse said...

I want to know if men commonly need "help finishing" when they're getting head. Why bother starting if you need help finishing?

Mamalooper said...

Jen has just never gotten it together post Brad/Angelina. It's been four.years.already - more then enough time to find someone who is really into you.

And the Brangelina worship is sooo wacky too. I mean, if I had six nannies I too could adopt/birth six kids, work fulltime, and fly all over the world.

Do they see their kids much outside of photo ops?

for a different kind of girl said...

John Mayer bores the everloving life out of me, and I've only (on purpose) heard one song of his. I think his junk has been all over the place, too, so I wouldn't want that near me.

Speaking of junk (transition!), I can't even remember to bring tissues or snacks when traveling more than an hour with my kids, and I once told my youngest to aim into an empty pop bottle if he had to pee so damn bad, so yeah, big props to Angelina. I just wish she'd convince Brad to shave off that crazy ass mustache.

the weirdgirl said...

I don't really follow the celebrity stuff but I do love to bash Aniston! Just never been a big fan. And what's with her dating someone so much younger? Not that I'm against different ages but talk about getting a bit mature for certain roles. Unless she's working towards cougar?

BTW, I'd love to be a fly on the wall to hear celebrities' "which celebrity would you do" conversations. That's gotta be interesting!

Anonymous said...

Ha too funny

And I'm with Mothergoose, this thing that men need help to finish?? Any guys want to answer that one??

Chag said...

I'm on Team Aniston. Jennifer's way hotter. And while they both seem more than a bit off, Angelina Jolie frightens me.

Mayer's music blows but he's a very, very funny guy. And speaking of blowing, according to the Rolling Stone quote, it's obvious he's never been with a woman who knows what she's doing.

And yes that was way too much information, but I was just answering mothergoosemouse's question.

Kat said...

Angelina has been slowly growing on me - gasp!! Did I just say that?? Maybe it is all her ink and her fuck you attitude?

Chicky Chicky Baby said...

I am and have always been on Team Aniston. But just because I suspect Angelina is a robot.

motherbumper said...

Chicky - cyborg, cylon, or one of those hi tech blow up dolls I keep hearing about?

Don Mills Diva said...

Ugg - I can't believe he actually felt the need to say that in an interview. Shit like this is exactly why no one takes him seriously as a musician anymore.

Mandy said...

Personally, I think Angie is drop dead gorgeous, and Pitt's not too far off. However, Jen Aniston is cute/pretty in a "she could be your friend way". Meyer? Yuck. Yuckity, yuck, yuck.

And since it's out there that he's into golden showers... even MORE yuckity, yuck, yuck. Blech.

I hope Jen finds "true" love, but I"m all over the Pitt porn.

the mama bird diaries said...

John Mayer is pretty whatever. Jen can definitely do better.

kgirl said...

I am on team aniston, but john mayer's music blows. (and not in a jesus on a polar bear kind of way.)

angelina is a superfreak, and my husband is hotter than brad. nyah.

tami said...

Team Aniston. All the way.

If Jen is boring because she keeps her private life private and doesn't do anything stupid (DUI, overdoses, adopting hundreds of kids and treating them like accessories) then so be it. I think I like her for this reason. She's not in your face diva or self-righteous. But John Mayer? Really? I don't get it either.

Brad got roped into Jolie's sick world now he's stuck. He wanted a family, well now he's got one. The public cheating thing was and continues to be a disgrace. And the only way Angelina has it all together is because she can afford an army of help.

She is only ever photographed with her adopted kids. What's wrong with her biokids? Not trendy enough? Too white?

I'm sorry but I think Jen is prettier. She doesn't even have to try. Angelina is a used up anorexic vampire that looks like she's been ridden hard and put away wet.

/end rant.


Anonymous said...

Ditto Tami,
nicely said!

Domestic Extraordinaire said...

I have never given it much thought I guess. I think that Jen is whiney but Angelina...I don't know there is just something about her. I can't put my finger on it, but whatever.

Karen MEG said...

He said that?? I generally like his music, but less and less the more I hear about his big mouth.

The drama though...did you check the dagger eyes when the camera went from Jen to Angelina and back during the Oscars... or maybe my overactive imagination.

Amanda said...

Dude, if I had a People mag subscription I'd cancel it now. Will you riff on another couple? Maybe J Lo and Skeletor? Please?


OK---I am usually just a lurker, but your post? I could've wrote that, or something close! Tell you what---You keep writing, I'll kepp reading, OK?