An Open Letter to Jen

Hi Jen,

I know you don't know me, and in fact I'm not even what one would term a "fan".  It's not that I don't like you, it's just I suspect that you are kind of needy.  But that is neither here nor there Jen, I'm writing this letter to you woman to woman.

Okay, I've got to be honest about two things: I'm way behind in my Jennifer Aniston gossip reading, and I really don't know anything about this guy John Mayer.  As far as I know, I've never listened to his music (am I missing anything? I ask that in all seriousness). Truthfully, the only things I know about John is he might be dating, marrying, breaking-up with or impregnating you at this very moment and also that many women think he's cute.  Congrats.

Now despite my obvious info-gap in all important current affairs in your life, and in order to retain my street cred, I really must explain that I do know all the other "involved parties" associated with you.  I haven't been living in a cave Jen, just a musical dark age that started around 2002.  So just to make sure this is clear: I'm very familiar with the couple that is often associated with you - the one formerly know as Brangelina (but I know I shouldn't call them that because they hate it). Brangelina, Brangelina, Brangelina (see? solidarity sistah).

Anyhow, I heard John was going to attend the Oscars with you this past weekend, which leads me to believe he’s 100% on Team Aniston [insert dirty joke here].

But is he Jen?  *raising my eye brows*  Jen, I think John needs to do some damage control on some of the comments he's made in the past before you guys can move forward into the future or you should dump his a*s.

There, I said it.

Here's just one example Jen: John did an interview with Rolling Stone a couple of years back and cracked the joke:

"Everyone thinks Brad Pitt has it great because he married Angelina Jolie. I think he has it terrible, because when Angelina Jolie is giving you a blow job, what do you tip your head back and think of to help you finish? You have nothing left — just Jesus on a polar bear in the middle of the snow, saying, 'You greedy motherfucker, I've got nothing for you.'"

So basically he is saying that your ex-husband is hooked up with the hottest woman on the planet and that the baby Jesus could make nothing more perfect for man to imagine when getting some.  Which, um yes, he was in his full right to say, and he did say this back before you were dating but hello?  If my current boyfriend had once said that about the woman who immediately, if not prior-to, hooked-up with my ex after our divorce – and she pretty much instantly gave him a mind-boggling traveling caravan of a family - something my ex was reportedly wanting but I was resistant to for obvious good reasons – and it’s pretty freakin’ obvious that I probably didn’t want to end the relationship as quickly as he had, well than I think at least one of my eyes would bulge out of my head if he didn’t somehow try to make up for that. In public.  Very public.  Like sky writers, Times Square billboard, and maybe an announcement from the throne or Obama.

Because seriously Jen, should I lie and say that if I was you, I'd think that was fine and totally cool because we are that cool and confident a couple even though we seem to break up every six weeks?  Sure, I'd like to think I was more confident than that, that my current relationship was cool enough to have that kind of witty off-hand banter fly around in a very public way.  Emphasis on the public way part.

But if my current boyfriend said something like that, about people we actually knew in real-life (as opposed to "who would you do if you could do any celebrity" kind of free ticket - that's the important difference), I have to admit that I'm pretty sure my confidence would be wounded.  And I'd make him take it back lest I feel stabby.  You know, the kind of stabby that hails from the kick-your-cute-ass-to-the-curb variety. I've never claimed to be over-confident in the game of love.

Look Jen, like I said earlier I've never really been on Team Aniston or for that matter Team Jolie, though to be honest, I'd probably join Team Jolie because she seems to be less, um... whiny boring I like her wardrobe better.  But that is neither here nor there.  Jen I'm going to be blunt: dump the boyfriend because (omg, I can't believe I'm saying this) he's just not that into you (I swear on a stack of People magazines that didn't come to me until I started typing that sentence). Dump him, eat a pint of Ben&Jerry's, make another romantic girl comedy - no scratch that, while I'm being honest, you are getting a bit mature for those roles - go find another The Good Girl or Office Space, and please for the love of shoes, don't date anyone.  Because as soon as you stop looking, he will find you.  Or at least that's what I've learned from reading all those Harlequin Romances I find at the laundromat.  Look girl, you don’t want to become the Rodney Dangerfield of the first decade of the new millennia, Paris was doing just fine at wearing that crown.

I know it's none of my business Jen, but I just had to put it out there.

Sincerely,
katie

PS - since I'm on a roll when it comes to talking to celebs, I interviewed supermodel and self-esteem advocate Emme over Savvy Source Toronto (for realz).

Edit to add: I forgot to also shamelessly promote the giveaway for Canadian readers going on over at my review site, drugstore cowgirl check it out for details on how to win a bunch of Johnson's Baby products.