Friday, January 23

Friday's Lesson: do what I say, not what I do

So yesterday my daughter successfully turned herself into an Ooompaloompa which isn't a bad thing... I guess... but still - try explaining THAT to a group of nursery school teachers while dropping the child off for school.  Seriously folks, people look at you strange when your kid is forty shades of all colours that aren't found in a box of Crayola flesh-tones.

Have I ever mentioned that Willy Wonka is one of my favourite movies in the history of movies I adore?  And that I didn't really mind the remake because I could watch Johnny Depp read me a third notice for an unpaid bill and I'd sit on the edge of my seat, drooling and praising how he delivered each line.  Blinded by the Depp, revved up like a douche in the middle of a blight, Blinded by the Depp...

But yes, my offspring = oompaloompa and I love oompaloompas, I just don't want to raise one.  Because that.... well that would be creepy.

So "How, did this happen?" you ask.

You see, I do my best to be a SAHM/WAHM (thank you ma'am).  Each day I try to sneak learning into her day - usually through our afternoon craft sessions.  Now I prefer a craft that takes multiple sessions to build, like December's paper mache volcano, or our current project - a drum set made from recyclables.  Gigi loves glue, paint, hodge-podge, and all things crafty so I take advantage of these time-suckers and try to incorporate a little sneaky science into the mix because I'm her mom, yo.

Now before you think I'm all Martha Stewart on crack, I'm not.  I'm just on crack, coffee being my crack.  I bet if you tapped my veins, all that would come out is pure Colombian gold - not snow because I'm poor yo.

How many times can I work "yo" into this post? Not sure but I'll die trying...

ANYHOW... yes, I sneak science into my child's day (yo) and yesterday we were waiting for the drums to dry so I thought we'd do some colour mixing (yo) - since that's what they were doing at school.  Reinforcement dudes, just isn't for the army anymore.

(yo)

So I collected some pie plates, water, and (cue sinister dun dun dun DUH music) food colouring for our experiment.

Basically the story ends there because I don't need to tell you what happened.  Oh but I will because I'm all about closure.

(yo)

We sat at the table, mixing water with food colouring, then mixing the water together to make orange! green! yucky brown! It was fun and it covered a whole whack of reinforcement skills sh*t - if you are into that kind of thing (yo).  She was pouring without spilling, she was identifiying her colours, and making new ones - hell, it was a nobel prize winning exercise in nursery school science.  It was freakin' fun.

Then I had to pee.  I know, I know, TMI but I need to explain why I had to leave the room so suddenly.

So yes, I got up, ran out of the room and was gone for probably, I dunno, ninty seconds.  And in that time, Gigi removed all the tops off the food dye, mixed them in one pie plate, then proceeded to paint her entire torso, arms and hands a colour that bordered on black.  The end.

I came out to find my daughter, who now looked like the cutest little aubergine ever, standing at the table.

Oompa Oompa Oompa da boo, I have some colours to share with you, 

Oompa Oompa Oompa da bee, I'd like to smear some on my mommy


Consider this a warning: pack up all crafting supplies before leaving child unattended, but you all probably already knew that.

(yo)

Several scrubbings and soapings later, and she is now a mighty fine shade of orangish-pink.  Heaven help me folks, three is kicking my butt.

33 comments:

kgirl said...

yo, dope story. just golden ;p

and OMG - my word verification is TESTES!

Heather said...

Thanks for the tip, yo.

Ali said...

do you have the book "purple, green, and yellow?" my robert munsch? this reminds me SO much of that book. you might NEVER want to read that book to Gigi. hahaha.

Mr Lady said...

I want to trade you kids.

Greis said...

LOL that's funny, but where's the picture? I fo sho thought you'd close the post with a picture of your colorful child. LOL

Have a great weekend.

moonfly said...

Yo, did you say OOMPA LOOMPA?!

Cuz, ya know I have a thing for the oompas loompas, the real ones, that is, yo.

motherbumper said...

Greis - she won't let me take pictures, she's totally going through her "greta garbo" phase and she does not want to be disturbed by annoying paparazzi like me. I must respect her privacy (pffffffft).

ANTM said...

Maybe I could trade you my personal assistant for a few hours of hanging out with a real-live Oompa Loompa?

Michelle said...

LOLOL!!!
That is fabulous.
I love this little window into my not-so-distant future...

Average Jane said...

What, no photos?!?

catnip said...

That is some funny shit yo.
Next time, stick to play doh!

Amelia Sprout said...

Just tell me you took pictures to use on her later...

ourlittlefunnybunny said...

You crack me up!!

for a different kind of girl said...

Yo, bumper, can I go halfsies with you on the Johnny Depp action?

Also, do not make slime. It seems like a good idea in theory, but trust me, it's not. Or, to use a really great preschool joke - it's snot!

daysgoby said...

OH NO!

R was about the same age when she decided food coloring must taste good and DRANK a bottle. Of blue.

She looked like a deranged Smurf.

Good luck with that stuff. I think it took R 3 or 4 days to fade completely. You may be in for a housebound weekend??
On the other hand, BONUS POINTS to you for going all sneaky-learning!

Jana said...

This? Is this #1 reason (not my love for my "calling") that Al goes to daycare. Only trained professionals are qualified to mix paint and preschoolers. I ain't touching the stuff. Washable markers are my limit. Call me Kate Gosselin, but I'm a wuss when it comes to preschool art projects.

You totally rock for bringing your child and food coloring together in your home. And you're crazy brave.

Oh, and Ali's recommendation of Munsch's Purple, Green, and Yellow is one of my most favorite books ever. And no, the irony of that combined with my first paragraph is not lost on me.

Wendy said...

Yo, you're so brave. :)

Anissa Mayhew said...

I'd really appreciate it if you NEVER introduce your Gigi to my Peyton...that could lead to a certain development of WMD. YO.

Domestic Extraordinaire said...

Dude, we so need to see that yo. (yea, I can't really pull off the yo without sounding like a dork) Snap a photo while she is sleeping. I am sure later on she will appreciate her oompa-loompa-ist look. Because she will never believe the stories you tell her ;O)

kittenpie said...

I feel I should apologize for my howls of laughter... but seriously, dude. How do these things happen?!

Mac and Cheese said...

This is probably funny, but after trying to cope with my own 3yo, it just makes me tired reading about it. I'll come back later when I'm done having my butt kicked as well.

Kyla said...

Yo. Where are the oompa-loompaty pics?

Stimey said...

You teach your kid at home? I'll have to try that.

April said...

oh, i hate that movie!!! scared the bejuzus out of me when i was a kid! too funny that she painted herself. my son has tattooed his arms with 'snakes' using permanent marker when i left to pee. awesome parenting ;-)

Amanda said...

hilarious!!!

Anonymous said...

Try washing her with a paste made of baking soda.

Chag said...

Never leave them unattended. Never. Angels quickly turn into devils.

No Mother Earth said...

MMMM, Johnny Depp...

Oh. I'm sorry. Was there a different point to your post? I got sidetracked in Deppdom.

Haley-O said...

You can not work "yo" into a post too many times. Love! :) I'm still stuck on the Johnny Depp and THE CHOCOLATE. Hard. To. Concentrate.

Ha, thanks for the laugh!

Baby in the City said...

Please, puhleeeze share craft ideas for toddlers, complete with instruction and pictures? Good God, I need ideas!

fidget said...

somewhere around 6 they stop kicking your ass so much.. but from what I hear it's short lived because those freakin HORMONES start sneaking in.

Sarcastica said...

What Baby in the City said!! Pretty please? I'm nannying for a 3 year old and I'm trying to think of creative crafts we can do but not having much success lmao :)

Annie @ PhD in Parenting said...

The first time my son saw his Spanish teacher he said "look mommy, there is an Ooompaloompa. I tried to explain that it wasn't an Ooompaloompa, it was his Spanish teacher, but he didn't believe a word of it! Poor man....