Monday, April 21

Monday Morning Inspirational #95184

Take a picture shiny boy, it lasts longer...
or are you looking for some fine prison luvin'?
oh and o
ne comment about me wearing mom pants
and I'll crush your windpipe before you can say "nice mo...".

There is no 'ctrl' button on Chuck Norris's computer. Chuck Norris is always in control.

Just like me.


Anyhow, it was a rather non-eventful weekend at Casa Bump. That is a good thing.

Mind you, Bumper is in a totally out-of-control defiant mood which is difficult to deal with but I can't really complain. If she was acting all angelic, I'd be counting the silver wear and double checking the knife drawer. But seriously, she is a bit out of control in a hyper way.

Usually this signifies a learning obstacle is nearing the "overcome" status and that new skill is about to be mastered.

For the life of me, I can't figure out what is left since she has walking, running, skipping, beating me, manners, walking/smoking/chewing gum simultaneously, talking in full, completely mind-boggling, scary sentences all while mixing a mighty fine martini down pat.

Hot wiring cars perhaps? Who knows. Better be lucrative.

Anyhow, whenever this happens she sleeps well for a week or so, lulls us into a false sense of security, and then she is back to downloading the latest program in the Bumpatrix.

Man, preschoolers are mind-boggling.

Hey look over here. See this thing - yes, this would be a tangent in the post.

Last Saturday night (like over a week ago for you Luddite calendar following folks), I was able to get out for some socializing with a large group of Canadian kick-ass bloggers. Mmmm it was nice.. really nice.

Anyhow, during the course of the evening I was asked a question that stayed with me - it was along the lines of "how do you find time to do the all sorts of the different things you mention on your blog and not have your toddler set the curtains on fire because you are so distracted by said things?".

I believe the said things refer to the teching/writing/spewing of gossip things I do over at Playdate, Binkywood, the on hiatus but still providing work Tool of the Matriarchy, Sk*rt, and of course, this ol' thang motherbumper [editor: this paragraph is a grand example of shameless self-promotion].

Or maybe they were referring to my night job over at the local wrestling pit where for just the low entry fee of 25 bucks, you can try to kick my as* in a vat of pad thai (warning: contains peanuts and shellfish). Note I said try - no one beats the motherbumper at pad thai wrestling... no one... except my child.

Regardless of what they were talking about, my answer was to smile and say "sleep is soooo overrated" punctuated with hyena-like laughter and a swift change in topic.

In reality how I do said multiple things is: - *deep breath* - I do absolutely next to no housekeeping. Like the absolute minimum as in "department of health doesn't break down door and burn sheets kinda bare" minimum.

But of course, when I know that guests might show up on my doorstep, I clean up the puddles, sticky spots, throw the dishes into the cupboards and dust bust the areas guests may tread. Oh and I'll wipe down the toilet seat because I'm civilized like that.

So in case you are wondering my secrets for juggling the fun shit I do - no, I do not neglect the child* - I neglect the floors, dishes, laundry, and general neatness of our environs.

Because I can say with most certainty, based on the fact that I love my family so much, and being a member of the blogosphere makes me so f'ing happy, that I will never EVER say on my death bed "DAMMIT, I should have cleaned more".


* btw no one insinuated or even hinted that I must neglect my child but when I over analysed things I did at one point think "omg what if they think I ignore my kid all day?" but then of course I realized the wonderful folks I mix with don't think that way - otherwise they wouldn't be talking to me, they would be reporting me to the authorities. Anyhow, almost all of them hold down full-time jobs, have a happy family life, have wonderful kids, and write kick ass blogs AND probably have clean homes. So really, the question really should be "How da' f**k are you all doing it?" AND "can I move in with you?".

Being the week of Earth Day, over at Playdate there is a whole eco-theme going on - so if you are into saving the planet and other super cool adventures, check out what's going on. Happy Monday ya'll.


Assertagirl said...

Why, WHY did you give me the image of you in a vat of pad thai? Damn, you're good with the imagery.

Also, can't help wanting to stroke Chuck's chest!

Heather said...

Yeah, cleaning is highly overrated.

Backpacking Dad said...

Those puddles will just evaporate if you turn the heater up high enough. Sure you'll have to lounge around in a t-shirt and shorts, but that's a small price to pay for not having to clean the damned things.

But don't stare at them all day: a watched puddle never evaporates. Stare at your kids or your computer monitor instead.

kittenpie said...

Was that me who said that? Because truly... I don't clean either and still, I only blog a few times a week adn I let my kid watch 2 hours of tv on the mornings I work late so I can sleep beside her in the morning. Seriously. How does it all happen? You are wonder woman. Me, I wish I was Elastigirl.

Kimber said...

I hate cleaning. HATE IT. And even though I freelance write full-time from home, I still try and avoid the cleaning. UGH. But since I have weekly (or so) girls' nights in, I do eventually drag out the vacuum and some Mr. Clean. (And I also offer the husband sexual favors if he helps out more.)

Kyla said...

Yeah, our house descends into what I like to call "frat boy chic" during the week. On the weekends, Josh and I join forces to get it back to baseline (which is cluttered at best) and then we start the weekly descent all over again.

It's good to be in good company.

PS: Am hungry now. Perhaps the pad thai visual?

nomotherearth said...

Amen, sistah!

Although, I don't do nearly the amount that you do, and I still have a dirty, dirty house (and not in a good way..). AND it was dirty BEFORE the Little Guy was born, so that's no excuse. Hm.

kgirl said...

I figured you were one of those freaky a-types. now i know you're just a regular ol' slob.

kgirl said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
mamatulip said...

Mmmmm...pad thai.

Craving begins NOW.

Ali said...

haha. i always give the same answer. and the same hyena-like laugh ;)

daysgoby said...

Um, no.

I am as sure as the sweat on Chuck's chest is shiny that B is a happy, well-adjusted little girl who plays independently fantastically well and smart as a button, besides. Needy, ignored children tend to be whiny and clingy and easily frustrated, and she was none of that.

Oh, and I hire someone to clean.(Why yes, I DO only work outside the home maybe two days a week! Still doesn't mean I like cleaning. Or that I'm ANY good at it.) She comes to my house once every two weeks, sweeps up a mountain o'dog fur and forgotten Bionicle and Barbie bits, does all the stuff I hate, and pretty much gives me one day of clean, sparkling house before the mongrels (animal and human) begin the dirt and clutter Olympics again.

But that 12 to 24 hours, where I can prance around and not worry about stepping in melted popsicle?


Redneck Mommy said...

Funny, I have this wicked urge to make a bathtub full of jello and invite you over.

May the best mommyblogger win.


I freely admit to ignoring my kids all damn day.

Oh, wait. Doesn't count because they are in school.


Chicky Chicky Baby said...

When this baby is out of me I'm so challenging you to a Pad Thai wrestling match. I think I could take you.

the mama bird diaries said...

I give up sleep too to care for my kids, blog, spend time with Chuck Norris and be happy.

Mac and Cheese said...

What the heck made you pick pad thai???

If it was me who asked that question, it was only out of envy. Bumper doesn't sound neglectable.

Stimey said...

Cleaning is the first thing I let go of too.