Bedazzled Fafrazzled

So what did you do this afternoon?

Yah, yah, that's great - OK my turn now:

We did laundry which in itself isn't that interesting, in fact it's incredibly boring. But during the tedium of putting wet wash into the dryer, Bumper found a jewel in the lint.

No I'm not trying to be all poetic - she found an actual bedazzler style jewel in the trap and asked if she could have it. I didn't see any harm and said yes, so she tucked it into her pocket to later add to that massive pile of garbage booty she carts around in her various purses and bags.

Said booty includes but is not limited to: junk mail, items from the recycling box, and anything that isn't nailed down. She is part crow, this sweet child of mine.

Now it was rather naive of me to think no harm could come from a jewel. I figured she's basically over that "everything in the mouth" phase and she treasures so many things these days, what could possibly go wrong?

Oh please stop laughing and rolling your eyes.

We returned to the apartment once the dryers were loaded up and I went to the kitchen to set the timer. I'm super forgetful so I cannot live without alarms to remind me of what I was doing before getting engrossed in a game like "taking the plane to see the grandparents".

Yet before I could leave the kitchen to check on my little airline pilot - I heard her cry out.

It was that kind of cry that makes your heart jump, stomach drop, and save for strong sphincter control - makes you almost sh*t your pants. Most parents know that cry and while reactions are varied, it all equals panic.

She came running towards me crying out "Take it out! Take it out! Mommy GET IT OUT!" all while holding her face.

I dropped to me knees and asked as calmly as I could - take what out of where?

A weak "in nose".

omg - it was the jewel.

Thinking fast, I draped her over my lap and did that poorly named "eskimo" method of sucking crap out of her nose. Nada. No jewel. Now she was screaming in pain. No one wants to hear that escalation in cry. No one.

Then the crying stopped. She jumped off my lap and ran to the corner and ordered me not to come near her. She covered her nose like she had a big shameful booger to hide, used her other hand to shoo me away, and screamed each time I tried to approach.

Oh sweet juju - I scarred her for life with that sucking manoeuvre. She will have flashbacks when her first beau comes in for the kiss. This is really BAD. But at least she's breathing and there is no blood.

What to do - what to do? I called telehealth and after answering all the questions and proving to them that she was in fact breathing "uh - yup those screams of "NO MOMMY" in the background - yup that's her breathing - LOUDLY", they suggested we go to the ER to have it removed. Okay - I can do that.

So I called SB and asked him in a really shrill voice to come home RIGHT NOW! because I couldn't think straight. And of course, being the good man that he is - he came right away.

I left a message to cancel the play date we had scheduled for later in the afternoon and I went to dress B for a trip to the ER.

But I found her looking ill - she was still breathing completely normal, and she could talk a blue streak but she was green around the gills. Now I was in full panic mode.

Being the woman that I am, I couldn't wait for SB, grabbed her, ran out the door, and jumped in a cab leaving him a note that only a chicken windtalker could decipher.

Of course once in the cab she was all giggles and jumping around while I tried to hold her down in the seatbelt.

We got to the ER, she told triage that she had something up her nose, they agreed and we were quickly moved to the inner sanctum where they perform the dreaded nasalectomy.

I'll spare you the drama. Short of long, it wouldn't come out, she's apparently A-OK, and now it's a waiting game.

They have promised me it's gonna come out one way or another. We tried sneezing, they tried flushing and some other only slightly craptastically horrible non-surgical or radiation-filled options and because it couldn't be found with a flashlight and eyeballs - we* decided to do nothing.
*we being me - a questionable adult - with two lovely docs and a child who fully agreed

I know - how weird. Do nothing. Makes one feel a bit helpless, no?

Of course I have a toilet paper rolls worth of symptoms to look out for and you know I'll be checking her breathing every 15 seconds tonight. But I'm confident we made the right decision. Oh and as for the ill moment - apparently it's quite normal in these situations - it may have been a result of the pain of passing it through the nose.

Since it looks like it was swallowed, I will be on poop check all day tomorrow. Which is nothing like poop deck duty.

But at least if she did swallow it and I find it in her poop, I can say my daughter shits diamonds.