Thursday, April 10

Bedazzled Fafrazzled

So what did you do this afternoon?

Yah, yah, that's great - OK my turn now:

We did laundry which in itself isn't that interesting, in fact it's incredibly boring. But during the tedium of putting wet wash into the dryer, Bumper found a jewel in the lint.

No I'm not trying to be all poetic - she found an actual bedazzler style jewel in the trap and asked if she could have it. I didn't see any harm and said yes, so she tucked it into her pocket to later add to that massive pile of garbage booty she carts around in her various purses and bags.

Said booty includes but is not limited to: junk mail, items from the recycling box, and anything that isn't nailed down. She is part crow, this sweet child of mine.

Now it was rather naive of me to think no harm could come from a jewel. I figured she's basically over that "everything in the mouth" phase and she treasures so many things these days, what could possibly go wrong?

Oh please stop laughing and rolling your eyes.

We returned to the apartment once the dryers were loaded up and I went to the kitchen to set the timer. I'm super forgetful so I cannot live without alarms to remind me of what I was doing before getting engrossed in a game like "taking the plane to see the grandparents".

Yet before I could leave the kitchen to check on my little airline pilot - I heard her cry out.

It was that kind of cry that makes your heart jump, stomach drop, and save for strong sphincter control - makes you almost sh*t your pants. Most parents know that cry and while reactions are varied, it all equals panic.

She came running towards me crying out "Take it out! Take it out! Mommy GET IT OUT!" all while holding her face.

I dropped to me knees and asked as calmly as I could - take what out of where?

A weak "in nose".

omg - it was the jewel.

Thinking fast, I draped her over my lap and did that poorly named "eskimo" method of sucking crap out of her nose. Nada. No jewel. Now she was screaming in pain. No one wants to hear that escalation in cry. No one.

Then the crying stopped. She jumped off my lap and ran to the corner and ordered me not to come near her. She covered her nose like she had a big shameful booger to hide, used her other hand to shoo me away, and screamed each time I tried to approach.

Oh sweet juju - I scarred her for life with that sucking manoeuvre. She will have flashbacks when her first beau comes in for the kiss. This is really BAD. But at least she's breathing and there is no blood.

What to do - what to do? I called telehealth and after answering all the questions and proving to them that she was in fact breathing "uh - yup those screams of "NO MOMMY" in the background - yup that's her breathing - LOUDLY", they suggested we go to the ER to have it removed. Okay - I can do that.

So I called SB and asked him in a really shrill voice to come home RIGHT NOW! because I couldn't think straight. And of course, being the good man that he is - he came right away.

I left a message to cancel the play date we had scheduled for later in the afternoon and I went to dress B for a trip to the ER.

But I found her looking ill - she was still breathing completely normal, and she could talk a blue streak but she was green around the gills. Now I was in full panic mode.

Being the woman that I am, I couldn't wait for SB, grabbed her, ran out the door, and jumped in a cab leaving him a note that only a chicken windtalker could decipher.

Of course once in the cab she was all giggles and jumping around while I tried to hold her down in the seatbelt.

We got to the ER, she told triage that she had something up her nose, they agreed and we were quickly moved to the inner sanctum where they perform the dreaded nasalectomy.

I'll spare you the drama. Short of long, it wouldn't come out, she's apparently A-OK, and now it's a waiting game.

They have promised me it's gonna come out one way or another. We tried sneezing, they tried flushing and some other only slightly craptastically horrible non-surgical or radiation-filled options and because it couldn't be found with a flashlight and eyeballs - we* decided to do nothing.
*we being me - a questionable adult - with two lovely docs and a child who fully agreed

I know - how weird. Do nothing. Makes one feel a bit helpless, no?

Of course I have a toilet paper rolls worth of symptoms to look out for and you know I'll be checking her breathing every 15 seconds tonight. But I'm confident we made the right decision. Oh and as for the ill moment - apparently it's quite normal in these situations - it may have been a result of the pain of passing it through the nose.

Since it looks like it was swallowed, I will be on poop check all day tomorrow. Which is nothing like poop deck duty.

But at least if she did swallow it and I find it in her poop, I can say my daughter shits diamonds.


Jezer said...

Oh, my Lord, I would (Will? It's only a matter of time, no?) be fit to tie. I'm glad she's fine, and I'm totally with you on the 'round-the-clock breathing check.

Backpacking Dad said...

Weeellll....ya see...wotcha git right 'ere is a jool in the sinuses. I kin fix er for ya, but t'aint gonna be cheap. How much ya know about up-yer-nose-with-a-rubber-hose-ectomies? Ya, they're rare as a five-legged gopher, 'n that's why dey don't come cheap.

Pay Sally on yer way out.

daysgoby said...

Oh, CRAP! (Go on already....)

Poor baby bumper. Poor Momma Bumper.

I'm sorry, but I'm still laughing over the eskimo maneuver -mah sweet lord, woman, you want to scar the babe for life?

I hope she has a good night tonight.

Heather said...

OMG. Well, you had a worse day than I did.

Mayberry said...

You know the entire thing was worth it just for that last line.

Chicky Chicky Baby said...

Oh my CHRIST. I'm impressed you even had the sense to try the suck the nasal passages thing.

Hope she's doing alright tonight. And you, my dear, need a drink. A big one. Maybe two.

Mandy said...

Ohmigod, I laughed so hard at your post even though I know it must have been traumatic for you at the time.

I was right there with you in the moment... great story telling.

I'm glad everyone ended up okay in the end. Although now we all need to know what happens when she gets her first kiss, so I guess you've got to keep the blog around for the next 13 years or so.

Anonymous said...

Omg, I would be a mess if this happened to us! But I'm glad she's fine and hopefully things will come out sparkling on the other end.


kittenpie said...

Oh bejeebers. That's one I haven't had - YET. The upside is it's probably too small to really be a choking hazard, right? Which, on the other END of things, heh heh, may mean going through her leavings with a fork, I suppose, so may not such an upside. Still. Blech. Sorry to hear about that one, my friend, but at least it's good blog fodder! (Funny how it changes your outlook on things, isn't it?)

nomotherearth said...

What a day, my friend, what a day! I think you handled it great! I wouldn't have been as resourceful, for sure. (Gawd, doesn't Telehealth ask some stoopid questions..?)

SciFi Dad said...


Does Bad Idea Jeans have a Mom Jeans line? Because you, my friend, could make a ton of money documenting your experiences for their commercials. ;)

I'm impressed you even thought to leave SB the note after realizing you weren't going to wait for him (which, in all truth, he probably knew).

Jeez. So now you're playing with poop like it's play-doh all day. Lucky you.

Oh, and in case that last paragraph gives you the idea to make the poop thing a mommy-daughter thing with rubber gloves... DON'T.

Assertagirl said...

I'm really not sure what to say except that I don't know how you parents do this, day in and day out. Braveness!

Kyla said...

Oh no(se)!

What an ordeal. Scary stuff.

I hope she starts pooping diamonds soon. That might be a lucrative eBay business, you know?

(my captcha word is "yohoes" heh.)

VICTORIA said...

Brings back oldest at about this age place a small lego in her nose while at the babysitters house. I was called in on that one!
She also somehow got a penny one night, while in bed, around 2 years, and swallowed it.

petite gourmand said...

oh my gawd!! poor you!
poor bumper....

I hope it "passes" soon.
lucky you to be sifting for gold..errr...jewels.

kgirl said...

christ, you're always cancelling playdates.
sorry, couldn't resist ;) a little levity for you. now, on to my real comment:

ohmygod. ohmygod. you did good, mama. sounds like you handled it as well as could be expected.

weirdo children, why do they do such things?

last week bee stuck playdoh up her nose. why? why would she do that? hopefully she won't again after the trauma of me digging it out.

FabGirl said...

Oh, I'm sorry, I really am, but I laughed so hard reading this post. ONLY because on the day my mother was due to arrive for her annual visit, my then 3 year-old daughter found a bead and sneakily stuffed it up her nose whilst I was vacuuming. I found her trying to act casual, but the tell-tale nose swiping led me to what happened. I rushed her to the clinic where the 12 year old doctor prodded and probed my screeching child until the nurse accidentally blocked her other nasal passage and the bead shot out and hit the doctor. Stressful then, but wedding day worthy now!
Hope things work out quickly.

something blue said...

Poor poor Bumper and you too!

Nothing like an adventure to get the blood pumpin.

I never would suspect your sweet, demure child would be the nose popping type. She has me completely fooled, huh?

Mimi said...

Yes. I see that my antipathy to the Beadazzler is well-founded. Very well-founded.

Mac and Cheese said...

Great. Something new to worry about. I hope she craps it out on the surface.

the mama bird diaries said...

Ok, scary.

and funny.

so glad she is alright. and i look forward to the conclusion of this story.

your last line mad me laugh outloud.

Amanda said...

Upon reading, "chicken windtalker," I could do nothing beyond marvel at your brilliance. Damn, as awful as I am sure this was for both of you, it was a great, great post.

Amanda (Shamelessly Sassy) said...

Good luck with whole shitting diamonds thing. Also, the whole eskimo sucking maneuver part of this post had me in tears!

BlondeMomBlog (Jamie) said...

There but for the grace of the bling bling gods we have yet to experience any sort of up the nose episodes.

Good luck on Poop Watch '08!

mothergoosemouse said...

So did you try to suck it out like snake venom or what?

(silently thankful that all CJ ever stuck up her nose was a pea)

Stimey said...

Okay, first of all, I'm glad she's all right.

Second of all, you are hilarious.

Third of all, define "eskimo method." I hope that's not what I think it is.

Janet said...

Yikes. I hope you found evidence of it (althought poop duty? Yuck.)

My hair stylist's son put a marble way up his nose. Twice. Both times required scary ER extractions. She still doesn't like to talk about it.

Sestina Queen said...

Wonderful, hysterical post! At 3 my kid swallowed a metal barrette, we saw it on the xray and then were sent home to watch "that it doesn't puncture a lung on the way out." Helpful advice...we never did see it on the other side, but 8 xrays later it was gone..

Chag said...

This was so funny (especially the crow line). This is something all kids do, so at least you've got it out of the way now!

DC Urban Dad said...

I never once stuck anything up my nose. I did swallow a penny which was entertaining. Especially since my dad decided he would mash up my poop to make sure it came out. He missed one potty break. Hopefully it is out after 25 plus years.

Great story. All the stuff I cannot wait to experience.

FearandParentinginLasVegas said...

My Boo proudly shoved a pinto bean up her nose while sitting in her car seat one day. Fortunately it became wedged in the nostril, so I was able to press my finger down and pop it out. I wasn't prepared for the force it would propel from her nose against the back of the seat in front of her. Fortunately we found it and it was disposed of before it was recycled into her nose again, or worse, her brother's mouth.