Wednesday, February 20

Liquid Paper: Use #43 and 40,000 question marks

Does anyone even use Liquid Paper anymore? Not important. Moving right along:

You know how random memories from childhood sometimes just pop right into the ol' noggin and you are like POW! that was crazy and totally disconnected from anything in my current reality (as tenuous as that may be).

And then you think: I need to remember that random-batshit memory so when I'm old there is something to say Senior's Bingo besides: my bunions hurt and my gawd! what is with these haemorrhoids? Piles? More like landfills! And what's with this weather?

So what to do with these single-serving, snack-size memories?

Why write it down and publish it on your blog!

Isn't that what blogging is all about? Brain dump for future reference? Or is it to find more like-minded and equally traumatized folk to lean on?

What? We're supposed to be swapping recipes? Gawddamnit, I got in the wrong line AGAIN!

Back to the post:

Sometime in the 80's, motherbumper's tenth grade homeroom

The girl who sat behind me in homeroom, who's name totally escapes me but I can lay bets it was either Tammy or Mary, would use her super shiny ruler as a mirror and paint all her visible teeth with liquid paper.

It was really freaky looking. Kinda like glow in the dark fake teeth with a white-washed wood panelling finish.

In order to preserve the look, she would then proceed to sit there with a super goofy look on her face to let dry. Kinda like when you dry off your teeth and push your upper lip over so it sticks to your gum and you look all Gomer Pyle.

We were in the far side (in more ways you can imagine) classroom row, against the hallway wall and I would sit sideways, watching the paint dry, and marvelling at the fact that if that was me painting my pearly whites, Sister Mary Margaret would be yelling "Mary Catherine Motherbumper! Get that goop off your teeth!". Sister Mary Margaret never said anything to bad-ass girl.

I never got away with anything (total lie but it seemed that way to my fifteen year old self).

And that's the end of the random brain fart memory. There is absolutely no story around the girl and her liquid paper teeth.

Actually the only other thing I can remember about her is:

Her parents sent her to my school because she was a total bad ass and they wanted to punish her with religion. Yup, we are here to reform! About a third of my class at the Catholic high school was there for that exact reason - punishment for being bad. I'm not sure why. It' s not like it was a Magdalene Asylum or something (though that might explain my hatred of laundry).

Actually hanging with the reform kids was pretty good. We had some really fun little get-togethers. And by fun get togethers, I mean all weekend debauchery, thrown by totally out of control and resentful kids with absent rich parents. Kids who had absolutely no sense of responsibility which is fun. Really freakin' fun as long as it wasn't my home or family.

What ever possessed a group of parents and administrators to think that sending all the bad girls to our school as punishment was a good idea, really had no idea what kind of influence they were inflicting on the ready, willing, and now able. I'm just saying.

Anyhow, I'm also over at motherbumper's lab today reviewing what by far has been the best book I've been asked to read by the Parent Bloggers Network and that's no lie. The Sky Isn't Visible from Here is one powerful memoir - trust me on that one.

Just don't trust me with your silverware or fine linens.


Amy U. said...

This is perhaps the strangest thing I've heard, ever. That Gomer Pile, gums-glued-to-your-teeth look would have made me laugh in class.

And, for what it's worth, I totally use white-out for work. :)


Mouse said...

That's a new use to me.

We used to have some white-out around the house, but I tend to prefer those pens with the white-out tape. No dry time and they lay pretty flat. Excellent for when I was teaching. (Not that I overthink office supplies.) Right now, though, I mostly go with the messy cross-outs.

Heather said...

Gag. That sounds disgusting. I wonder what sort of brain damage she suffered as a result? Or maybe she's a dentist.

nomotherearth said...

I used to use liquid paper as nailpolish when I was younger. I thought it was cool. And as I am the epitomy of all that is cool, I would know. I wouldn't put it on my teeth, though, that sounds kind of, um, yucky. But cool. Way cool. said...

Had a good laugh reading this one... [random childhood memories popping up]. Nice blog btw, love reading it!

something blue said...

Do you have my brain? I seem to have lost it. Last night I had a dream about liquid paper. Seriously. Your post is freaking me out.

Janet said...

I can't help but wonder what this girl, Ms. Liquid Paper teeth, is doing with her life now.

kittenpie said...

uk. You'd think that would taste horrible. but then, I remember us bending paperclips to put in our mouths so it looked we had braces, and the teachers getting pissed because they were convinced we'd stab ourselves in the mouth with them. It wasn't so great when we all ended up actually getting braces, though, was it? Hmm?

the mama bird diaries said...

I took a class with the author of "The Sky isn't Visible from Here" and she was BRILLIANT. Loved her.

In regards to the white out on the teeth - ick.

a. beaverhausen said...

Fun facts to know and tell: The inventor of Liquid Paper was also the mother of Michael Nesmith...formerly of THE MONKEES. Betty Nesmith, I salute you!

Gabriella said...

That was hilarious! Like Nomo I used to paint my nails with liquid paper!

MKDIEB said...

I found your site through mommybits and im so glad i did,i just suffered flash backs and a laughing jag (that ended in me snorting coffee out of my nose) all at once!

Naomi (Urban Mummy) said...

That's just weird.

Don't you wonder where she is now? I can only imagine her life today!

Chicky Chicky Baby said...

Eew, that sounds nasty. We just used Elmer's glue.

Baby in the City said...

Oooooh, you and Jana are connected...I can't believe badass could stand the smell of liquid paper, let alone the taste, that sh*t is toxic. All we ever used to do with it is try to give ourselves ghetto french nail manicures.

FYI, did you know that Mike mother invented liquid paper?

Baby in the City said...

Woops, that is: Mike Nesmith's mother, you know, Mike from The Monkeys.

Mac and Cheese said...

I watched a colleague of mine take a sniff of his liquid paper just last year. It still has it's uses.