Sunday, July 30

bitchin'

Don't read this post because it's a downer. I just need to vent. Come back tomorrow if you are looking for something more uplifting or light. Sorry in advance.

I'm really fucking down.

I mean teenage-angst, can't put my finger on it, down and out blue funk. It's been brewing for a couple of weeks but now it's fully here. I'm short tempered, crying at the drop of a hat and bitchy. I'm still maintaining my patience with Bumper (how can I be bitchy to something that cute and cuddly) but she's definetely feeling my vibe and has been clingy (not what I need right now). I can't even get her to nap successfully most days and it's beginnning to wear on me.

I thought by booking a spa appointment yesterday, I might feel better but instead it just made me agitated. I went and had my eyebrows tamed (threading is the best in case you are wondering) and usually that makes me feel better for a mere 20 bucks +tip. After that was done, I went shopping for husband's big birthday gift but my spa appointment had run late so I had to rush around under the guise that husband wouldn't be able to cope with Bumper. I had said I'd be home at a certain hour and when that time came and went I jumped back on the train to come home. I had planned to go shopping for myself and maybe stop and have a coffee but I threw those plans out the door. Instead I rushed home. And when I got home, everything was fine. There was no need for me to rush and instead I blew the perfect opportunity to do something for myself.

Today I went to the grocery store by myself. Whoo fucking hoo.

Yeah I'm bitter. Not AT anyone, just with myself.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm feeling sorry for myself. Which is really fucking shitty because then I just get mad at myself and my husband gets frustrated with me and who can blame him? Actually he is really good. He hasn't gotten totally frustrated with me and has taken on the baby by himself often this past little while but it shouldn't have to be that way.

He's really good with her. And me.

I'm mad at myself because I can't cope with this sometimes. But I must cope. And I do. At my expense. Fuck it makes me bitter.

Thanks for letting me rant blogsphere. I hope this helps me get it out of my system. I'm not even going to spell check this post. I'm just going to put it out there. Feel free to bitch in my comments. I need to know others are out there like me. Thanks for listening.

13 comments:

bubandpie said...

I don't suppose there's anything happening to your milk supply lately? Because you described exactly how I was feeling every time I dropped a feeding - and when I was weaning altogether, it was several weeks of emotional hell. The first time it caught me by surprise and I thought I was losing it. The second time I was braced for it, but it was still horrible because Pie self-weaned and so I had no warning at all - so emotional baggage to go along with the hormonal baggage.

May not have anything to do with your situation, but I didn't know that the weaning hormones could do such a number on me, so I thought I'd throw it out there.

Mother Bumper said...

Now that you mention it, that may be a possibility. She does seem to have curbed her need lately, not a lot but at least one or two feedings have disappeared, and the night feedings are down to one most nights. Thank you for this info B&P.

lildb said...

gah. I am still in the middle of a brewing brouhaha with my husband, and I totally get what you're saying. I feel so frustrated b/c I don't think he understands how worn out I am, after all these months of a) recuperating from a tough pregnancy, b) sleeping very, very little for several months and then still not a lot, even though more than before, but never really enough to feel even sort of rested, and c) breastfeeding for the last 12 + months, and currently weaning, all while my son totally gravitates to my husband, who thinks it's great even if he pretends to feel bad b/c the boy wants nothing to do with me when his dad's around. and my husband dislikes that I vent about this to him, b/c he says it's not fair for me to complain about it, when I'm obviously trying to make him feel bad for getting so much attention from the baby, b/c I'm obviously jealous. obviously. ?!?? wa.tha.fu.

so. yes. I understand, only too well, how you feel.

sigh.

oh, and thank you for a forum to complain loudly in. I don't feel like posting about it, b/c I can't seem to gather my thougths together enough to do it, but somehow, your request for fellow bitchery to ensue your post, b/c you wanted reassurance that you weren't the only one just uncorked me. thanks, sister. I owe you.

Mother Bumper said...

lil'db, this is exactly what I wanted. No need to owe me sister-friend. Rant away because I hear it, feel it and know it. Yes the rant helps (doesn't solve, but it sure does help). Anyone else who wants to put it out there just do it or go to the basement because I'll always be there to listen.

tania (urban_mommy) said...

When I read this post, I was nodding my head in agreement (yet again, we are on the same page, its uncanny) and was gonna offer you my take on why I'm blue lately, but then I read B&P's comment and I think that might be the reason for me too. Hhmmm....

But in case its not, here is why I think I've been kinda down lately. However stupid this may sound, I think it may be because of BlogHer. Its crazy because I didn't even want to go. As you may have realized, I'm not a terribly dedicated blogger, so the idea of going to a conference wasn't high on my priority list. But for whatever reason, reading about it, seeing the pictures on sites and flickr has really really made me feel excluded. And that is the one thing the blogos never made me feel (which is why its usually so great).
The whole BlogHer event took away from the inclusive, you-are-not-alone vibe that I find comforting and draw strength from. I did feel alone, and uninvited, and at worst, not good enough to go. And its definitely that last one, the 'not good enough' that has spilled over into how I evaluate my performance as a mother, as a wife, as an interesting woman, writer, etc. Lately I've been feeling like I'm not managing all of this as well as I'd like and that I just need a break for a day or two. Sounds like I should've gone to go to BlogHer - if only to ward off the feelings that I'm an unpopular loser.

I have to add, that I really am surprised that I'm reacting this way, that I hope its the missed feeding (as suggested by B&P) but maybe I'm more fragile than I think when it comes to this kind of stuff. Who knows. I'm just glad its over and hopefullu we can once again all pine to meet one another and be on the same wavelength. (I hope this is possible, now that so many have met one another, it may never be the same).

BTW, my email address is now on my profile. Sned me a message anytime!

tania (urban_mommy) said...

Sorry for the lousy spelling, I used up my window of freedom on typing that epic comment.

kittenpie said...

Bumper, I truly think most new moms go through this. We have been ging along in our life being able to look after ourselves and our needs and sometimes also our spouse's but not always because hey, they're grownups and we have jobs too, you know...

But suddenly, you are at home, so all the house crap and looking after everybody becomes your job and you are playing third fiddle (if you're lucky) and fuck - we're not used to it and we feel, we KNOW we deserve better and we want to have a little something, just a few MOMENTS to ourselves.

Truly, I don't think this is bitchy or selfish. It's part of a tough adjustment and totally understandable protest at taking a step or two down the ladder. Complain away, I think there are few moms who truly wouldn't understand the frustration.

tomama said...

Oh, I've been there sunshine. Totally normal feelings especially in this crazy weather. I take my alone time now - no guilt. It is the only route to sanity for me.

penelopeto said...

mb - you are not alone! i am in the midst of one of those waves, where i am easily frustrated, easily annoyed and easily broken. i take it all out on my hubby, because i can. and then i feel worse.

b&p - i had no idea weaning could do this, but it makes perfect sense. all those hormones! bumblebee is down to two feedings a day (she chose this), and i feel like i am kind of in mourning. but also relieved. motherhood. sigh.

tania (urban_mommy) said...

I thought about this post all night. Struck a cord obviously (see my stupidly long comment above). I'd just like to add that it is also the weather. TOMama noticed this too. Its oppressive right now and can trap you indoors. It is a real downer. Thursday it breaks - hopefully.

julia said...

I don't really have any brilliant advice on the subject, just that you're not alone. I've been feeling decidedly pissy lately, too. I'm starting to piss myself off. So if misery loves company, I'm sitting on the bench next to you, comiserating.

sunshine scribe said...

Thanks for sharing this. I get bitter and feeling down and ... letting it go in the blogosphere. It is a place you write through it and get support. So, so much support. Litterally I credit my blog for my sanity the past few months.

Hang in there. We're all thinking about ya and routing for ya. Sending big hugs and a virtual stiff drink your way.

crabbykate said...

Hey there,

I may be late to the party on this one, but I can totally relate to how you feel. I think I would even go as far to say that I experienced "delayed post-partum" with my daughter when she was about 10 months old (she is now 3 years old). Can I butt in and say - it helps (definitely definitely) to talk to someone and get some help? Someone who is completely outside of your regular life.

Hope things get better for you.:)