There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live.Well that solves that debate, doesn't it? I've also renamed this weekly segment "Monday Morning Chuck" because inspiration isn't my strong point and I have an endless supply of Chuck Norris images.
So the other day I was rooting around in my drawers (ahem... that sounds naughty... I'll leave it in because that's about as R rated as you are going to get in these parts... ahem) and I came across a few pairs of smalls that never had been worn before.
They were purchased long before baby. Heck, they were pre-wedding - back from the day when I could fit into those jeans. The ones that make me cry each time I run across in them in the back of the closet. Perhaps you know the ones I speak of? Many folks seem to have a pair that have inspired a post or twenty.
Anyhow, I pull out these unworn smalls and after realizing man, I really need to Spring clean - like OMG have I even done any Spring cleaning since giving birth? - I decided to wear them.
You know those elastics that bind the brocolli together at the market, the wide ones that are too small for any real purpose other than binding brocolli together yet I could probably locate more than 200 in the various drawers of my kitchen? Yes those ones. Well wearing one of those elastics would have been more comfortable than wearing these smalls.
For trying to squeeze into those damn things, you can just call me the:
Once I regained feeling in my lower extremity (after surgical removal of delusionpants) I came to the conclusion that slim hips are highly overrated. So shut-up main stream media and Hollywood, this lady is no longer under your spell. Blood circulation is a good thing.Did I mention I'm sick AGAIN? This is going down as the coldest, snowy, sicky Winter in recent memory. Spring had better get her a*s here soon because I'm gonna go mad. MAD YOU HEAR? (like I haven't already).
Happy Monday y'all.
16 comments:
I like Monday Morning Chuck. If only we were all more Chuck-like we'd be fitting into our size smalls. Or we'd be punching people out in the supermarket for no apparent reason. Either way.
Or punching out people who'd suggest that slim hips are the be-all and end-all. Take THAT!
I'm starting to feel very close to Chuck.
Your post reminded of pulling on Spanx for evenings out, to suck in my belly... I get stomach cramps thinking about it.
Who likes slim hips? Not me. And, I do have a pair of those jeans in the back of my closet, somewhere. I think they sneak out once in a while to mock me!
In high school, Josh once told me "You have awesome childbearing hips." He thought it was a compliment...in HIGH SCHOOL. Sigh. Turns out he was right and it also turns out that its a good thing he's fond of childbearing hips. I fear there is no going back. LOL.
I'm already mad. I think it's all the screaming over here. I don't know what's worse - the baby screaming, or my screaming when the only jeans that fit ( my fat jeans, btw) now have spit up stain on them. This winter is suckity sucky.
superman wears chuck norris pajamas.
My hips were always big, so I don't have many pairs like that around, though I'm sure there are a few that dig in unattractively... lovely.
And I'm sick, too. It sucks to be all full of snot. Feel better soon, lady.
I think we're all sick. Can people viruses be passed through the interwebs?
I got rid of any smalls long ago. There's no hope for me to fit into those after kids.
I finally purged my closet of all things that reminded me of what I used to be able to wear. It was liberating... after I cried a little. But now I can eat Easter chocolate with no guilt!
:)
Been sick for so long, when I saw this title in Bloglines I thought for sure it was a puke post.
Umm, yeah, not calling your writing puke, talking about literal puke. But then, you are probably more refined than that, no? It's me who regales her readers with horking and hurling episodes.
Burp.
Monday Morning Chuck kicks ass. You know what Chuck would do to those smalls? The same thing you should.
Destroy.
I think I only have bedroom furniture and closets so they can mock me. Nothing like a chest of drawers to make me feel bad about myself and yet crave brownies.
WHAT?!
Inspiration isn't your strong point?
Jesus. I thought I knew you.
;)
Get rid of those jeans! They will only serve as emotional baggage! (That's my inner Stacey and Clinton)
Don't breath on my blog this time. I can't handle another drug-free disease.
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