Wednesday, June 24

contagious illusions of grandeur

When I worked at the Infectious Disease clinic (which was less infectious than it sounds), the head honcho doctor dude told me the two most filthy places we come in contact with on a regular basis are pop cans and envelopes. He told me this while leaning up against the front of my desk watching me lick a stack of 100 envelopes while drinking an icy cold pop in front of large oscillating fan. Dude was probably making my desk that much more infectious by leaning on it but he signed the cheques so I kept my mouth shut. This doctor always laughed when he talked so it was hard to get mad at him when he was handing you a death sentence via envelope glue.

Now it turns out I think of that dude each and every time I lick an envelope (hard habit to break). BUT his warning was not ignored: I do use straws for drinking from cans so the lesson wasn't completely lost. And boy oh boy, do people look at you strange when you order a can of Stella with a straw -- don't ask me if I want a glass to pour it in people, I'M NO SISSY and I don't know where that glass has been.

Anyhow, I'm not here today - IT'S JUST AN ILLUSION AND I'M THE ILLUSIONIST.

Actually I'm licking envelopes to send out stacks of real snail mail (I didn't even know the post office still existed). Seriously, when the dental claims people told me to "mail" in my claim, it took a lot of explaining on their part to help me understand they actually wanted something from me that I could not just click and point to them. LUDDITES I screamed into her ear (odds that my claim will be rejected: 98.7%).

So I'm over at Anissa Mayhew's today sharing one of the few travel stories I actually remember that doesn't involve jail time.

I'm also over at MamaPop marvelling at the fact that Elisabeth Hasselbeck has supposedly written a book (heavy emphasis on "supposedly")

7 comments:

Heather said...

Clear nail polish my friend, I use that to seal the envelopes because aside from the germs I am afraid of the papercuts to the tongue. And trust me I am just that accident prone it could happen.

daysgoby said...

NEVER tell your slightly-hard-of-hearing busy supervisor that you'd like one of those sponges with the bottle attached.

She rounded on me. 'You want LIQUOR? At WORK?'

*Why yes* I thought to myself, *that would be LOVELY.*

But no. 'No, I want a LICKER.'

Seriously. They sell them at office supply stores.

Chibi said...

Two words for you: glue. stick. You're welcome. ;) I won't lick envelopes and use straws in cans for the same germy reasons. *shudders*

kgirl said...

oh lord. i rarely drink pop, but if i do, it's with a straw. i also wipe the lids of cans clean before i open them, as i once heard that rat guano is ALWAYS found on the lids of cans due to the amount of time they sit in warehouses/trucks.

*shudder*

p.s. i'm surprised elisabeth hasselback can even write her name.

Shamelessly Sassy said...

I just hate the way the envelope sticky feels beneath my tongue. It's like my tongue got raped.

Heather said...

Is it still bad to drink from the can if you wash the outside first?

I usually use a little makeup sponge and water to "lick" my envelopes. I heard a story about some woman getting some sort of bug eggs in her tongue from an envelope and can't bring myself to do it anymore. I have no idea if that's a true story, but ewwww.

MYSUESTORIES said...

I heard about both the rat guano AND the bug eggs. I am very careful about where I stick my tongue!!!!!(Usually!)