Monday, July 21

unpacking

I'm a lousy luggage packer.

Is it just me, or does that statement sounds vaguely sexual? Holy cow, if it was something sexual, the statement would also be sad, because I'm admitting that I suck at this peculiar fetish. And that admission of failure in said fetish is amplified beyond being sad (perhaps I could coin the term "super sad") because I have now just stated online that I have a strange fetish that involves the term "packing" and I don't do it very well.

But just to be clear, the term "luggage packer" does not contain one ounce of titillation or raunchiness, it really, really just doesn't.

So, last week I discovered that I'm a lousy luggage packer while wrangling with my check-in suitcase in the airport security slash customs area. Be warned airports officials, if I find a wart or fungus on my foot because you made me pad around barefoot in your security zone, I will be sending you the bill - which will include at least one pedicure.

Anyhow back to lousy luggage packer:
I found a vacuumed-sealed package of beef salami in the outside pocket of my suitcase and realized I had received this particular package of vacuumed-sealed beef salami in a slightly strange snack combination offering on my trip - many moons ago.

Honestly I try to limit my amount of actual luggage when travelling because I'm no JLo. Ideal luggage packing for me involves no luggage and only stuff that fits in pockets. Next BlogHer be warned: All I'm taking is a few pairs of smalls, my toothbrush, and deodorant - c'est tout. Anyhow, I'm off topic again which I'm sure is no huge surprise to anyone still reading, yet I'm sure as hell surprised that I'm still talking about beef salami in my luggage.

So back to the beef salami discovery (which, like 'luggage packer', sounds vaguely sexual): instead of throwing out the beef salami, I stuffed it in my carry on because I am paranoid and there were no garbage cans around the security section (they must be paranoid too, non?). Why was I paranoid? I just declared I was bringing no food into the country to some very official looking dude in uniform and he knows where I live. So there I was, stuck in the no-man's land of customs, struggling to survive and not go down because of some beef salami. Perhaps I'd go down for some Brie or other unpasteurized cheeses but not beef salami.

PLUS - if there was beef salami in my luggage, what else was lurking in the pockets and samsonite folds of my mule? How am I to know that my apartment hadn't been previously broken into by a roving gang of drug lords looking for a spot to hide their Bolivian marching powder? I'd pick this spot if I was them - it's a mess so the occupants of the place aren't going to notice and we don't give off airs of being big time travellers (note inch of dust on luggage). So who am I to say that I'm not carrying more than just beef salami?

Anyhow, once I successfully smuggled my beef salami (plus whatever) onboard the flight, I suddenly had this overwhelming sense of how it must feel to be one of those super sexy villains. Because in my head, I'm always so super sexy and so super smart that life if just one big long movie starring me. Don't deny it, it's that way in your head too because bottom-line, we are all super hot and successful but we keep it under wraps because we are also super modest in addition to possibly super lazy.

But where was I? Right, feeling superior and feeling completely prepared just in case something happened - like an episode of Survivor might break out and I had the upper hand because I had a secret stash of beef salami and hell NO, I'm not gonna get caught a la Kel in Survivor Australia.

Yes, this is how my head works. Well only a little bit of how my head works because if I gave you a full glance, once you discovered the inside of Katie's head, I'd have to hurt you and that would be no fun for anyone involved.

Anyhow, the beef salami sits here next to me and my precious laptop - oh yes, I smuggled the beef salami back into my country because I'm a total pro - and for the first time in three years, I'm sitting completely alone in my home. The apartment is even devoid of cats which is strange. At first I looked forward to this break from family but now, not so much. But I must take advantage or I will regret wasting time.

So far I have:
  • Slept in way later than I'm ever going to admit to doing because then you would all want to hurt me.
  • Eaten only crackers and edible swag because that's all I'm prepared to cook. Even that prep took way more involvement than I cared to perform but we all have to make efforts ya know.
  • Not once looked at my inbox. Or voicemail.
  • Discovered that cooking shows are fun to watch backwards.
  • Stared at the coffee maker hoping to will it to start producing coffee. Status so far: nil but hope is not lost.
And now I can add "written a post about beef salami" to the list and possibly call it a day. Last year I found it hard to write about BlogHer, post BlogHer because once again, I need to absorb. And pilfer from other people's posts.

But I felt compelled to say something about this trip, so there you have it: beef salami, a post riddled with sexual innuendo that isn't actually sexual in any way, a photographic slice of Powell Street in San Francisco, and now a pledge to keep this renewed sense of talking without borders and muzzles.

Powell Street, San Francisco

Because no muzzles or borders is a huge slice of what I take away from BlogHer: the reminder that there are wackier folk out there than me - and they invite the fear blogging presents alongside liberation and face it head on.

And for those that I've met that do this, I love almost every single one of them, especially the ones that rip fantastically loud burps in public while claiming to be a cultured lady, the ones that insist on showing me their breasts, and the ones that make me cry.

20 comments:

Kyla said...

Salami packer. You knew I was going to call you that, though, right?

PS: If my KayTar turns out even half as awesome as you, we'll call it a success. Just so you know.

SciFi Dad said...

This, my friend, may very well be your best post ever.

Heather said...

Wow, I've never known anyone who smuggled salami before. You rebel.

Ms Blue said...

This is how a life of crime begins!

If you have the jedi mind force to bring forth coffee, I will make a shrine for you.

iMommy said...

Luggage packer may not be erotic to you, but think of how Martha Stewart or the founder of Organize.com feels about this?

Way to discriminate, you... you... you... Salami Packer! (Thanks Kyla!)

TentCamper said...

Wow...you could take a few of the things from your post and actually come up with some pretty hot fantas. Packing, BEEF salami, people in uniforms, Blogher, tits, ...wow..that could be nice. Maybe something you could work on in your free time.

Great post!

the weirdgirl said...

How did I miss you at Blogher? I would have liked to say "hi" (without muzzles or borders).

kittenpie said...

Wait, I had the ones who burp in public and the ones that show their breasts up here, so who did you have?

And if you're going to smuggle salami, well, it seems to me that it's just about the right shape for body-packing already, no? Excpet then maybe you wouldn't want to eat it on those crackers...

for a different kind of girl said...

I wouldn't go down or take the fall for Brie. Brie is a cheese tease, all "Oh, look at me! I look so good! But I will totally taste like dirty socks - or worse! - when you get home and eat me!"

You are a rebel. A totally hot rebel. In my mind, I'm absolutely alongside you, totally Charlie's Angel'ing it. Suffice to say, we are bad ass. So is this post. One day, I hope to get to a BlogHer and meet you!

Immoral Matriarch said...

You. Were fucking awesome. So happy I met you.

I want some meat.

Lady M said...

It was lovely to see you again, you smuggler you! Happy Birthday.

Mandy said...

I am so glad to have met you in person. If I hit the next blogger, I hope to be over my shyness/social awkwardness a bit more.

Always Home and Uncool said...

Now if you packed the beef salami into brie ... girl, that's erotic.

Her Bad Mother said...

Hey! I am EVERY SINGLE ONE of those last three things, aren't I?

Ali said...

you said "wrangling"

wrangler is officially my favorite word of blogher08.

ohmygoodgod, i love this post.

Chag said...

No muzzles and borders is a good way to go through life. I need to remove my muzzle, too.

mamatulip said...

Jesus. Now I really want a deli-style salami, extra mustard.

I love this post. Please write more like this.

Christina said...

You know the terrorists will be contacting you for tips now.

I swear I'm going to plan a trip to Canada just to hang out with you and the other lovely Canadian ladies again. Once a year isn't enough.

mrs imelda said...

Welcome back motherbumper!! So have you eaten the salami yet?? Hey,one time 20 years ago,I smuggled a sprig of ivy back from England. I had it up my sleeve. It is now thriving up the side of my parents chimney in Dartmouth.

We are wild women!!!

Laura said...

I have never stuffed a beef salami in my carry on. I'm jealous.

I am virgin to your blog, and so happy to have found this post. I am also strangely turned on, and have a sudden urge to start packing, myself. Is that wrong?

Thanks for the laughs...