East Coast Report

We are at my parent's home (home sweet home) out east and we are having a grand time (is that sarcasm? kinda).

So far:

• Bumper has decided to wean herself. So I'm busting out of whatever you bust out of when your bust is out of luck.
• Bumper has cut two new teeth so far and there are two more pushing their way out of the wings. OUCH! I think she felt threatened when I told her WonderBaby had pushed out four last weekend and didn't want to be disadvantaged by the WB's WMB**

But not all is bad (I'm just complaining because I'm throbbing and leaky (ewwww - we said share not scare said the lovely readers)). Bumper loves my parents who of course have spoiled her with tons of toys (a wee piano, a wee leapfrog piano, a huge ball and a toy that makes so many animal noises that I might just have to break it when no one is looking). Apparently they had to buy two pianos because they couldn't decide which one was more fun. Ah - the life of grandparents.

Anyhooooo.... I will be posting again sometime soon and sharing some pictures of Bumper's first experience a la Hitchcock's The Birds and her first concerto. I know that has put you on the edge of your seats.

Later.

** Weapons of Mass Bitings

ladies night (oh what a sight)

So last night I got to meet a new roving gang of bloggers and I also had my first night out sans Bumper. I'm sad to report that I did not cry, did not use my mobile phone to call home, and did not check the clock until it was oh-so-late. I'm a bad, bad mommy.

But I did have photos in my purse of the little lady, I did think of her every moment that I wasn't accosting another blogger, ordering another drink, or admiring all the beautiful nails and shoes the ladies wore. So I'm a somewhat good mommy.

I'm happy to report that husband did great and there was absolutely no mishaps of a baby-meltdown or sleep-refusal kind occurred. What a relief.

So I'm a wee bit hungover and I never did get much sleep. I got home after 2am, giggled and told my husband about my evening, pigged out on shortbread cookies and crackers, drank water, and then watched two episodes of Harvey Birdman (sweet! nothin' better for a drunk girl to watch) before tripping to bed. Bumper decided 6am was a great time to start the day and needless to say, I've been dragging myself all day with a stupid smile on my face because I had a great evening, my nails are the shit, and I've made some great new friends. I'll do the links to the lovely ladies later but right now my head hurts and I'm going to sleep soon (if the gods are smiling down on me, I'm going to sleep soon).

I leave you with a very small photographic essay of my evening without actually showing you any of my evening. More details later.

sometimes bathroom graffiti can be so philosophical, n'est pas?

I came home and apparently took a photo of my new fake BlogHer tattoo in my nursing bra

(I'm both classy AND sexy)

tattoo courtesy of HBM

Bumper: and what time did you get home momma?

Me: 2am
Bumper: blink... blink... absolute look of disgust
Me: please don't ground me little lady, m'kay?

Saturday morning musings

This was me a year ago. I thought I was so prepared. What a sucker.

And to think: I still had 40+ days to go.

Sleeping baby: goal seems attainable

Edited to add update below "in other sleep news"!
******
This sleep update is brought to you by the creators of "Motherbumper's sanity" and Duff beer. Please tune in tomorrow for regular scheduled posting.

******

In sleep news tonight:
I've noticed that Bumper has developed two of my weird (and frankly creepy) idiosyncrasies:

1. sleeping with her eyes partially or fully open
2. performs calisthenics in her sleep (kicking, turning, flipping, punching, etc.)

When I was a small kid and we went on family vacations we always drove EVERYWHERE. Dad was a bit of a cheap ass frugal man and air travel was considered too rich for our blood. The majority of our trips were road trips and this meant staying in some really flea bag motels because once again, my dad was a cheap ass penny pincher. It didn't matter if we were driving 700 miles to Boston, or over 1200 miles to Toronto, we did it all in that freakin' blue Chevy Malibu. Three kids crammed in the back (me always in the middle because I was the baby - no rights what-so-ever but that's another post) and my parents up front. When evening would approach our entire clan would stay in one hotel room (with a cot! We weren't complete savages) and since we were two girls and one boy, my sister and I always had to share a bed. I had no problem with this but my poor sister would whine about how much she hated sleeping with me. Not only did I look like a zombie with my eyes open, I would occasionally punch her, inevitably kick her, and my feet were always ice cold. As I got older, she really helped nurture a paranoia that no man would ever want to be my husband because I was too darn creepy and weird to be a sleep partner. She was wrong. I'm sure that these traits will cause no problems for Bumper. I hope.

******

In other sleep news:
For the third night, husband has taken over the entire "getting Bumper to sleep" routine and I shouldn't be typing this, but it's working! (I just cursed myself. That's it. It's over). It's so exciting that I'm weeping just typing these words. I know many of you had already reached that milestone long before me, but up until now, no one, I mean NO ONE, has been able to get Bumper to sleep but me and that was really beginning to wear me down (amongst other things). I'm so happy and it's just in the nick of time. It's Ladies Night Saturday, whoo to the freakin' hoo! I don't care if alcohol is involved, I'm just getting out of the house!

EDITED TO ADD:
It is Thursday now and I brought home one screaming, unnapped*, cranky devilchild baby after getting stuck on the subway due to something happening somewhere during my journey home from downtown. I literally walked in the door, flipping off the BabyBjorn buttons and handed the baby to husband while mumbling something about having to use the bathroom. I stayed in there for 5 minutes reading Flare. Once I regained my hearing (lost from having hysterical baby on lap in tunnel) I ventured out to find husband feeding baby (sigh). And get this: he got her to sleep in 20 minutes. I love him so much.

* if unnapped isn't a word, it is now. It's when you get backhanded by Weissbluth karma for not adhering to the all important respect for your childs nap time, instead making the baby portable for your leisure. Results in one cranky baby who can be hard to get to sleep.

******

Sleep round-up and recap:
Bumper is getting to sleep closer and closer to our goal time and her naps are going very well. I still do something at least once a week that screws up at least one nap but it doesn't seem to have the same impact as before when I was messing it up more often. I haven't really missed the outings because the napping is making her a much happier and fun baby to be around.

So consistency is the key (you guys are so smart. I heart you, blogsphere). Here's to consistency! I'll be drinking to that on Saturday.

I'm so glad I found you, blogsphere. You've kept me sane.

Only you can prevent inconsistency in bed time routines

me me time!

Oh wait. The title should read meme time but somehow I always think it's me time!

Anyhooo (shrugs and inwardly agrees that it was a pretty lame joke)

Yup, about six thousand years ago I got tagged by the super cool penelope (check her out - her top 100 list is crammed full of really cool stuff. Hmmm....I think I might be using the word cool too much but when the shoe fits...).

Anyway! I was absolutely thrilled because I was dreaming of getting tagged for this exact meme.

I thought "SWEET!".

Then the week turned into one of those out of control "trying to get my shit together before I go on vacation kinda week" mainly because it was the week before we are going on vacation. On top of that some other random shit was going on to further distract me. Gah! Maybe I'll say more on that but definitely at a later date. I think it should be blogged about, just not now. Now where was I?

OH. YEAH. Bumper hasn't been getting to sleep too much earlier in spite of the fact that I'm taking her to bed much earlier when she's showing her sleepy signs. So that is getting frustrating because her naps are going well but the bedtime is taking longer. I have been a wee bit grumpy and husband keeps reminding me: "Consistency is key. As long as we are consistently bad we should be fine" followed by a wink with a twinkle in his eye.

For saying that, he has now taken over "getting Bumper back to sleep" duty when I've had enough. Much to my surprize, he's really good at it. But I'm getting off track.

Long story short: here I am on the weekend (update: it's now Monday night) typing away because I've spent the past few days taking a few minutes at a time (between diaper changes, bathroom breaks etc) to find a book for each question. It's been so much fun. But seriously, enough about me.

On with the meme!

1. One book that changed your life:
This was harder to answer then I thought it was going to be. Changed my life is a pretty tall order but I think I will equate it with lasting impact. Less Than Zero (Bret Easton Ellis). This book spoke to me when I first read it at age 16. I had already had a really fucked up party life by this time and I partied with these "rich kid/trust fund/ no future except to inherit daddy's wealth" types and witnessed so many crash and burn victims that it still takes a lot to shock me. I ended up taking a break from the party crowd at that time (though I did slip right back in during University). I think that head clearing might have saved my life. I also have just got to say that I hated the movie adaptation of this book but what else is new; can anyone adapt books and get it right?

I will mention the book that jockeyed for title: Generation X (Douglas Coupland). It was a tough call for me.

2. One book that you've read more than once:
As a young teen I had an insatiable appetite for books both good and bad. Among the good, I reread Are you there God? It's me Margaret and Starring Sally J Freedmen as Herself (Judy Blume) countless times. I really longed to be a normal teen and I often got lost in my head. That is how I spent my days. Those books just fed my imagination.

As an adult, I've reread Story of my Life (Jay McInerney) too many times to try and count. The backstabbing and shattered family values are just so well done in this snapshot of the 80's.

3. One book you would want on a desert island:
GAH! HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO ANSWER THAT???? ONE!?! Not possible so I'll have to say something stupid. Ummm... I'd take a Get Fuzzy anthology (wtf? Did I just type that? Omigod I'm certifiable).

But damn. That cat makes me laugh.

4. One book that made you laugh:
The Adrian Mole series by Sue Townsend. Since I have to pick one I will select The Secret Diary of Adrian Mole, Aged 13¾. I can't even start to explain how freakin' funny this first book in the series is: totally in diary format, it is the observations of this kinda clueless and pretenious teen who gets himself in the greatest situations and his supporting characters made up of family and friends kick butt.

5. One book that made you cry:
I know that books have made me cry but I could not find one (NOT ONE!) on any of my shelves. I guess I toss any book out the window that makes me cry. Hmmm.... I'm racking my brains and the only one I can come up with is Charlotte's Web. I'm sure I'll think of a more adult (get your mind out of the gutter - the shame!) title once I publish this so I reserve the right to update this at a later date.

UPDATE: Of course once I hit publish it dawned on me: Life with Billy about Jane Hurshman and how she survived horrific abuse by her husband, witnessed the abuse of her children and also her subsequent trial for his murder. I cried a lot reading this book and it will stay with me forever.

6. One book that you wish had been written:
The Owner's manual for my child. Seriously folks. If you could get the manual, you just know you would be a much more well rested and less stressed person.

7. One book that you wish had never been written:
The Left Behind series. Ack. Leaves a bad taste in my mouth when I think of how many people think this is the way it's all going to end. I'm going to keep it brief but IMHO I don't think God would sort out the souls in that manner. 'Nuff said. The God I was raised to know is forgiving and loving and looks like Jerry Garcia. And anyone who has a Ben & Jerry's ice cream named after them has to be good and forgiving. And since he looks like God, then God must be good and forgiving. Confused? Don't be. Now stay with me folks!

8. The book that you are currently reading:
I never read one book at a time. That would be the intelligent thing to do and that is not how my agenda works. So here is the current list of semi-read books:

1. The Company You Keep - Neil Gordon (so far it's held my interest but I'm not 100% in a fiction state of mind so I probably shouldn't be reading it right now)
   
2. Not Buying It - Judith Levine (loving it!)
   
3. The Ethical Gourmet - Jay Weinstein (it's making me hungry)
   

9. One book that you have been meaning to read:
A Jane Austen novel.

(All of the sudden there is total silence... chirp chirp... chirp chirp... good gravy! She's has NEVER read a Jane Austen novel? GAH!).

Yes folks, there you have it. I've never read any of her novels and from what I'm understanding by reading all your wonderful blogs that I am missing out on something spectacular. If any of you have kept reading instead of leaving this site pronto in disgust, can I ask for any recommendations?

I am usually very embarrassed by the fact that I have read nothing "classic" unless under the force of potential academic grades (and I started out as a Classics major - the shame!) But that was 18 years ago folks, my brain fogged by the inbetween years. That's my excuse and I'm stickin' to it.

So there you have it folks: I'm illiterate. A team of monkeys write my posts and the rejects are used as scripts for The Simple Life.

Before I had Bumper

Once again, Her Bad Mother wrote another post that made me shout out in recognition, nod in agreement and desire the power to use words the way she does. Yet this time even she had trouble finding the words to celebrate "the physical beauty of my child, and my fascination with and attraction to that beauty." She had the same inner debates I had: how to seperate the superficiality of describing this beauty from the "the pure, the heartwrenching and heartlifting beauty of her form" (See! See! (Read!) I even have to steal her words in order to express my love of kissing my baby from head to toe! Sigh.)

So I will try through a true story that I wrote a few moons ago and never published. I thought it read... kinda... ahhh... trite perhaps? But it is true and for that reason, I have copied from Draft and dare to push publish today. I've kept the original title and not changed much below. It won't measure up to some of the beautiful posts I've already read (see this one, and this one, sigh... to have such power over language is something I aspire to one day wield.) But for now I offer this:

When I was a younger woman, I used to sit at my desk, or in class, or at home and I had this never wavering vision of a baby that fit perfectly into my empty arms. Sometimes this vision kept me from nodding off during boring meetings, classes or just long days. I'd feel her chubby legs wrapped around me, her non-stop arm movements around my shoulders, her little face peering up into mine. I'd look down to see how she would fit on my lap and sigh, because she wasn't there.

When I turned thirty I figured I wasn't going to have kids. I was starting a new career, I had no steady relationship, I had moved to a new city and it was "me" time. I needed that time because I had been playing the martyr for too long (and no, the Alanis Morissette type of irony isn't lost on me because find me a mother who isn't a martyr).

I, for the first time, was happy with myself, by myself.

Then I met husband. Then I got pregnant. Then I had my baby that fit perfectly in my arms.

I can't believe my vision came true. I can see and feel those legs around me, those arms flailing at my side and that beautiful face looking up at me. Now that it's a reality, I want to capture in any way possible to keep these moments from fading since they have ached inside of me for so long. Thanks to new found friends I have found a way and for this, Bumper and I thank you all.

random acts of art

We went out for a walk and a trip to the park now that the weather has dropped below 650 degrees with a humidex of 780.

We came upon some random art.

No signage. No explanation. No artist's name.

My best guess is the kids from the nearby middle school.

Now I'll be truthful here: I don't really like teenagers.

No, no, let me rephrase that: I'm scared of teenagers.

Yes, yes, I'm an ageist sometimes.

But if these are the works of teenagers, then I have a brand new respect for the youth of today. I've been smacked out of my prejudice and I'm going to ask for forgiveness.

Maybe they will take care of us (not "take care" of us but you know, actually let us live with dignity unlike what we are doing to so many of our own).

I beg to dream and differ from the hollow lies. This is the dawning of the rest of my life.**

No caption required. Just absolutely perfect on it's own.

My favorite for personal reasons

What a wonderful day.

May we all trip upon such beauty when most unexpected.

** edited to add: I just discovered this is a Green Day lyric. I used to be able to sniff quotes out at 50 paces... now I just must be getting old.

sleeping baby: realistic goal or should I just give up trying?

I freakin' love sleep. I'm so serious. I used to love me some good long sleep after a day's hard work, be it actual work or a great night partying. I used to be a great sleep-in person but sometime in my twenties, I began to appreciate the early morning hours. Mostly the serenity it offers to those who enjoy first glimpse at the still sleeping world and how wonderfully shiny and innoncent it appears as the sun starts to shine. Almost anything seems possible first thing in the morning. So of course, as any parent reading this knows, my serenity, albeit made of pixie-dust magic and flimsy innocence, has been shattered by the thing that drives me: Bumper.

I miss sleep so much.

Yeah, yeah, I know: cry me a river. Every parent who has a blog has written this post and ranted this rant. But it's my turn now and let me be. I've hinted around in my past posts that Bumper is not the greatest sleeper but I've never dedicated many words to describe her actual lack of sleeping skills. Since I've actually decided to do something more then whine and bitch about it and I'm actually going to tackle it head on with actual... ummmm what's the word I'm looking for... tactics, I thought a sleep related post was in order. So on with the post.

As I had originally expected before I left on my recent trip North, I was going to have a lot of time to contemplate the mysteries of life at my in-laws. When we stay at their place, I spend my nursing time up in the guest room (formerly known as the room my husband grew up in but now has been all dolled up as a guest room complete with queen size bed... yummy says the girl who sleeps in a double). A lot of chickens died in that room but I'm not sure if that story fits in this post or not. We'll see. But I must get back on track, back on track.

Okay, so I nursed in the guest room, as not to make my FIL blush like a schoolgirl and stammer like a thing that stammers (too tired lazy to think of simile) which made for a lot of alone time. I find that Bumper likes to nurse more frequently when in strange situations. It makes sense to me: familiar booby in unfamiliar places would make me feel safe. Now regarding the cloistered nursing, don't gross out my FIL. He actually has never said anything but I can read his uncomfortableness (is that word? if not, it is now). In the beginning, during the marathon feeds, I would nurse in front of the telly with the family around because I WAS NOT trucking upstairs every hour. But now that it's every few hours, I can deal. Plus she never used to struggle and aerobicize like she does now. I flash everyone, even with the little nursing tent. I really don't care if I'm with another mom but pfeh... it's different for me in some situations. Anyhooo....

Here I was, staring out the window, over the 95 acres of farmland my husband called home. No internet. No telly. No company. Yup. A lot of time to think. And read (time permitting and only when Bumper would drift off). So I delved into a book I read about over at Mom-101 praying that maybe, just maybe it would work for me or maybe help me solve my ongoing sleep issue. I've read the first three chapters and I'm thinking we can apply some of the solutions with some hard work on both our parts (hello... yes husband, that's a direct message to you) but something that has me fascinated is that the things I thought I had done "wrong"*** in the past regarding her sleeping, seemed to be confirmed by this book.

I'm not sure if that's good or bad.

Calling these things I've done "wrong" sounds too harsh but the word lazy sounds... well it sounds... bad and it's not like we didn't want to do all the best for her but I think after reading some of this stuff, I can confirm key things that I did "wrong" and that these habits are going to be hard to correct.

Sheeshhh... wrong sounds so negative but bear with me.

The first bad habit developed because we never put her down. I mean NEVER. Because every time we tried, she would cry. And we were both wimps and hated to hear her cry and we would immediately pick her up.

Now, that's all fine and dandy in the first weeks (I mean look at her! She is four days old in this picture and who could put that cuteness down? I mean look at her! Ackkk.....splooch... oh sorry, that was my heart exploding AGAIN), but we never stopped. And then one day I couldn't get to her while she was crying and she actually stopped on her own. Only then did I began to trust my instincts when deciphering her cries. But that only kicked in recently and now she is very resistent to being put down in her crib (translate: it never happens). She wants to be picked up and she will not fall to sleep in her crib. She MUST fall asleep in (usually) my arms and then gingerly be placed in the crib to slumber for a few hours. And this is where the second bad habit has formed: the mid-sleep wake up that has morphed into co-sleeping (ouch says double-bed girl). Okay.... it's not the worst thing. It's safe but I've got to say, for a wee lass, she sure does take up a lot of room.

I'm a firm believer that she is capable of making it through the night without waking for at least 8 or more hours. This is because she actually did do it for a period of time. From 11 weeks until 16 weeks she mostly slept 6 to 7 hours straight each night. Then it started to slip. It started to fall away in half-hour chunks of sleep - disappearing each night for no apparent reason. At first we blamed teething and growth spurts but it's now been reduced to three, maybe four hours max, before it turns into a co-sleep or an all night struggle.

Gah.... I'm blathering.

Long of the short: I have started to employ some tactics that I hope will aid in helping Bumper develop some good sleep habits.

First goal: Foster good napping habits. For a while I could set a clock to her naps: 9am and 1pm, usually 1.5 - 2 hours each. They became so routine that for a while, I took them for granted. But I'll admit, after a while, I wasn't always doing my best to help her go to sleep and sometimes I planned outings that interferred with naps too many days in a row. I know I can't stop being part of society because of naps but I have to respect her need for consistent, peaceful sleep. So I've made a little pledge and I'm quickly getting her back on track. I'm already seeing improvements in this arena.

Second goal: Not napping on my lap. I've been a total enabler in this department because the few times I dare to move her proved unsuccessful and nap time was completely ruined. But I have to admit she is getting too big, even with her nursing pillow and she needs more comfortable sleep. I have no idea how I'm going to do this. Extinction method? Ouch. But I'm at the end of my rope people. She dangles off the pillow in both directions and she doesn't look comfortable, not one bit.

So bottom line, Bumper has horrific sleep habits because I didn't establish good habits for her. It's all my fault. Ack! Did I just type that? OMG! It's already started! The blaming mom has STARTED! I thought I had a few years to go before this began. I used to have a therapist that blamed everything, I MEAN EVERYTHING, on my Mom. It got so much, that I actually told her to chill. I had to take responsibility for some of the fuck-ups and poor decisions. Yeah, I found a new therapist after a while.

Regarding co-sleeping, I don't totally mind it but I'm not getting great sleep. She takes up a lot of room and when she's teething (most days) she snores like a fat man with a drinking problem.

So I hope by (somehow) achieving these two goals, I might see positive results with her sleep longevity (please, pah-leeeese, let there be results).

I don't want to be opening up any debates of Weissbluth vs Sears vs Ferber stuff. I'm going to try anything. Hell, if someone comments and tells me that a non-stop loop of a certain verse from a Bjork song lulls their child to sleep, I'm gonna try it folks. I'm desperate. It might drive the cats insane, but I'll try it folks.

In researching a link for the extinction method, I came across an older Sweet Juniper post (before my blogging days) and it made me feel better after reading. I think I might put together a guide to my fav sleeping (or lack there of) posts and publish it as a "don't give up just yet" guide for other parents. Look for it in coming weeks.

Or maybe I should just give up on trying with the sleep thing. She will sleep by the time she's a teenager and that is only a dozen years away. Hell, I can sleep when I'm dead (An interesting movie by the way. I sat behind Malcolm McDowell when I saw it and he's so evil in this flick I wanted to swat him on the back of the head. But I didn't. I sniffed it instead. He smells good.).

Peace out folks. Wish me luck.

no sleep for the wicked momma

*** you can totally refer to those as my Britney air-quotes because y'all, I don't know the right time to use that kinda punct'uation.

I fought the law and the law won..

Got back yesterday from a stint at the 'laws.

Bumper and I went swimming, strolling around town and doing the grandparent stuff. We also had a run in with the Branson, Missouri* version of the it Not Easy Being Green Dancers (see photo right). Sadly we did not run into Borat like last time but it was still a white-knuckle ride home nonetheless.

I'll post more on the visit later perhaps because we did have an interesting time that could make good post fodder. Anyhooo... in lieu of a real post I present a photo essay of signs from my weekend sojourn to my husband's home town.

not quite sure what this meant, but I'll assume it's a new bar in town
and a fun one at that

would you be able to drive by this without taking a picture?
I think not...

told you it was my husband's home town
(because they are obviously talking about him - get it? get it? hun? hun?)

So I have a lot of blog reading to catch up on, some organization of my thoughts is required, laundry, laundry, and then some more laundry, new sleep tactics for Bumper to try, parking tickets to pay (motherfuckers), Big Brother to catch up on (hell ya!) and baking of birthday cake for husband.

Man, I have a lot to do and talk about.

More later, more later.... right now I need sleep. Or to be more clear: Bumper needs some sleep.

mom... I think he's following me

I really, really missed you all. It's so nice to be back.

I'm pathetic. No I'm not. Yes I am. Whatever.

* I must clarify, we weren't in Branson but this was a travelling show of the NEBG Dancers which included a creepy impersonator of Kermit (aptly named Crazy Frog) and I don't even want to show you who played WonderBaby. Honest. It was poorly done.

le bitchin' deux: en flambe

Thank you for your wonderful supportive words and advice. I wish I could say that I feel fantastic but I don't and I'm still really down. But each of your words lifted my spirits and I felt that someone out there is thinking of me. Because I'm feeling kind of selfish right now.

This weather isn't helping either. It hit 50C on the humidex (@122F) today and that is just wrong.

I'm also cranky because tomorrow morning I'm leaving around 5:30 am to go to my in-laws with Bumper and the cats.

And I'm driving it all by myself (5+hours).

And it's not really what I want to be doing.

Husband will be joining us sometime on Friday.

They have dial-up so I won't be doing any blogging and that is really what has kept me sane lately.

I don't even want to be around me so why would anyone else want to be around me?

I'll be back next Tuesday and hopefully I will find myself through meditation this weekend and will be back to my chipper ol' self.